It is completely unexpected to find someone that you don’t have to work hard at being with, that you clique with, that you just know you can be friends with forever (yes, I know that sounds 3^rd grade but so what).  We stared at each other after dinner for a long time as if our minds were trying to understand how come we hadn’t known each other already.  Leaving the restaurant, we had a quick hug and we ran in opposite directions to our cars through the rain.  That night on Facebook, I simply put “Uh-oh”.

We talked and have talked nearly every day since that night.   The first boyfriend experiment was a great success and a great failure at the same time. 

It was a great success in that my confidence went through the roof.  It was now “easy” to attract people.  I flirted openly and confidently.  I knew I was wanted and desired, so I figured I’d get my three “Winter BFs" in record time.

It was a great failure in that our growing friendship read like an Emily Bronte story.  We could never be more than friends (we both knew it and there were other factors to be considered).  He had issues he was dealing with and I was beginning to catch feelings (which was NOT my objective and would mess up my plan) so we work on not getting closer every day.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but really, it works out for the best.  He turned out to be another ace up my sleeve in helping me gain my actual Winter BFs. 

So with my guns loaded and confidence at full power – I went out into the real world to get my 1^st one.

BF #1: "Place to Meet" and "Conversation"

I wanted to meet somewhere I was comfortable but also have options.

I met him at 2 of my favorite spots, in case he liked one over the other – I wouldn’t be disappointed.  Eclipse De Luna is a nice little spot that offers good tapas and light salsa dancing. I love it.  When we met up, I found that he didn’t care for Mexican food or dancing and the wait was nearly an hour, so we headed to the intimate coffee spot (Cafe Intermezzo)  I’d picked as my second up the street.  He wasn’t a great fan of coffee but seemed to like the quieter atmosphere so I knew I was going to get to practice my conversation.  

I was nervous, had fretted over my outfit – didn’t want to be sexy, flirty (since he was not a true target and this was a test) but didn’t want to look dumpy and out of practice either.  I had decided on a short blue dress, blue tights and my comfy boots and a sweater.  I was fully covered yet the dress was short enough to show my legs and my curvy butt but not much more. 

We sat down and I started with my list of questions I’d picked for the evening conversation.

I had thought long and hard over this part too.  I am not a natural conversationalist.  I forget key details when I get nervous, even about something that I know about pretty well.  So I had groomed many of my questions from watching kiddie shows.  There were usually songs about becoming friends and getting to know people.  So the key ones were: 

1. Where was he from, 
2.  what was his favorite place in the area, 
3.  what did he like most, 
4.  what did he hate most. 

Those four would usually get anyone talking a lot and I’d accomplish two things: I learn a lot about the person and they’d leave the conversation thinking I was great because they’d basically talked about themselves the whole time.

After an hour, the conversation seemed to be more than easy and after 3 hours, we both sat back with a strange realization that we were more alike than we’d realized.  After 5 hours, the restaurant was closing and we were still talking like we were catching up on old times.  It was uncanny and unnerving – and AWESOME.

BF#1 - The One Liner

He was the guinea pig for my opening line.  I had been trying to come up with a great one liner that would accomplish multiple things.

1.  Let me retain my dignity after being turned down.
2.  Allow the other party an easy way out that wasn’t embarrassing or put him in a position     to have to hurt your feelings if he didn’t want to go any further with you.
3. Allow the other party to take you up on your offer if he so desired with ease and the dignity that a man desired. 

My first subject was a  "frequent meeter" – I saw him often in the elevator where I worked, in the hallways and on the way to my car.  It made for short, consistent conversation.  He wasn’t my type so I decided to try my line on him.

As I finished up our short chat one day, I said, “You know, we always have such great conversation.  If you’re not doing anything later, you should call me.”  We laughed and I turned to leave.  “Um, how can I call you if I don’t have your number?”  I heard him say.  (Now if he wasn’t interested at all, the line left him room to say something like – “I’ll do that.” Or “Yeah, we should.” and then not feel embarrassed when he didn’t).

I gave him my card – it was formal and yet duplicitous.  It didn’t look like a phone number scribbled on a piece of paper and it had my freelance work advertised on it.  Something to keep me in mind with.

The “One Liner” worked out pretty well – it opened up the opportunity to try the rest of my hypothesis. Up next:  the “Place To Meet” and “The Conversation”. 

Experiment Backstory

One of my best guy friends (BGF) – Adam, was most like me: nerdy with a hint of naiveté.  We often conspired artistically so it was easy to have conversation about sensitive things without the embarrassment of never having introduced that slice into the friendship.  When I mentioned during soccer practice one day that I was thinking of dating again, he took his position as sounding board and asked me questions that I needed to answer out loud.  What was I looking for?  Why now?  When I answered that my main objective was warm companionship that would pay for my dinners and entertainment, he jokingly called me a “Dinner-digger” and moved on.  From then on our outings became testing sessions and he was my eyes and ears.  He told me that men did look at me but didn’t approach because I looked “through” them.  He let me know what kind of looks worked and what didn’t.  He picked out certain men to flirt with and let me know what my objectives and standards were.  A stout Buddhist, he surprised me by telling me to pray about it (because of my faith) and assured me that he was there to support me and that I would find a guy that would suit me and not be gay or best friend material.   His sparring paid off in the end.  I grew in confidence and went out all the time open and “available”.  By November, I was tired of practice.  I consciously decided to try some of my newly activated skills on a live subject.

Point is: Every single girl I know has a BGF that she confides in and periodically asks if he has any friends that she would be interested in.  The answer is always no because of various reasons but we can use them for the eyes and ears that they are and the fact that they’re honest with us.  I did and it worked in my favor.

Just in case you wanted to buy one...

Saw this today while discussing with fellow ladies why you can seem to buy a wife and buy children but can't buy a man.  My sis let me know they are in short supply all over the world and that's why the multi-wife statute is in effect.  But this made me laugh and rethink my idea (and look for a better store).

http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/

The Experiment

Winter was coming.  It had come five times before and the same thought had crossed my mind but without action.  I’d gotten really good at surviving the burst of hormonal urges during Spring and Summer was a no-brainer.  I wasn’t used to walking around half naked and didn’t like to be hugged or touched during hot weather.  Fall was my season of reflection and freedom.  It was winter when I thought of being cold, of comfort, when I got needy.  The end of 2011 was the fifth time I'd had to fight those feelings head on and , this time, I decided to do something about it. 

I would get at least three boyfriends for the winter.  Someone to take me out to eat, give me a hug, a kiss and squeeze me a bit during the movies.  That was my objective.  No sex.  No relationship.  No complications. 


I knew I wasn’t built for long term love – I had relationship ADD.  I could fall madly in lust with a person, but I became bored easily and the “relationship” didn’t last long.  That had been my record until my marriage.  Now I was older, starting from literally square one and not in the least interested in getting into a long term, marriage ending situation with a total stranger.  So, since I mostly longed for companionship on an semi-intimate level in the winter, I would get 3 boyfriends for the winter only.  Men didn’t care for long term commitments either so I figured it couldn’t be that hard if I explained my objective up front. 

My BGF (best guy friend)  was sure I wouldn’t be able to pull it off without sex on the table, which I was adamantly against.  I thought I could, if I explained my objective clearly and without deception.  It worked twice (well, technically 3 times) and I failed at it twice.

This is my story of how I did it, how it turned out, and what I learned.  I figure I went from 0 - 60 in 3 months and I KNOW there are a lot of normal women out there who don't believe or want to be the real life version of Sex in the City so they can too.  I wish I had done it sooner.  And I'm grateful to the people around me that gave me ideas and support to change my life a little for the winter...