Just reading over some recent posts and it seems that drama follows me (or I'm just a train that has jumped the tracks and this is all just collateral damage). I figured I've put off this post long enough and for the 2 people that read my public diary, you may have been waiting for the late-breaking news of the Bahama trip.
It was a trip...I tell ya...
I had the most wonderful time so far this year. I felt like I was in an interesting and meaningful version of the "Sex in the City" movie (which I have actually never seen but judging from what I've seen on tv, I'm sure my vacation was more interesting and meaningful). I went with 3 of the most down-to-earth, fun-loving, giggly girls I know - it was more like we were a bunch of 13 year olds off on Spring Break and our parents were no where to be found.
We were so excited to be relaxing, nothing could really go wrong. We didn't set a high level of agenda - our only major goal was to sit on the beach - so everything else was a plus. By Friday night, we'd realized we were on the General Population boat. There were 2 family reunions, 2 wedding parties, and a bachelorette party. So a lot of women, older men with their wives and/or families and a mostly laid back vibe. It was cool. We were content to not have to overly exert ourselves socially trying to attract someone we found on the Lido deck. We ran around in our bathing suits like we were at home and found anything to do that made us laugh. We played practical jokes on each other, ate anything we wanted, took a million pictures of doing loony kiddie stuff, and just enjoyed each other's company. One of the head waiters hit on me Saturday morning at breakfast and bought me a huge bottle of Patron for just being awesome to look at. I high-5'd my gaggle because now we had free drinks on the boat for the rest of the trip.
And here's where the yard gate opened...
The Patron Head Waiter was serious about trying to talk to me and found us when we returned from the beach, and delivered his previously promised present. Dinner came and by that time, we'd befriended the sommelier, a lovely young Romanian girl with the same fun-loving attitude that we had. She came and hung out at the table with us while we perused through dinner. We sat through 3 dinner times, chatting with her and the random and frequent waiters that kept coming by. The Patron Head Waiter made frequent visits too, smiling, making sure none of us were without or in need. It was an awesome dinner. Then, he bent behind me and told me to close my eyes. I just knew I was about to get chocolate cake! But when he told me to open them (and immediately left), one of my girls had a small box in front of them that they pushed toward me. Everyone at the table seemed confused. And when I opened the box and saw the Swarvoski heart pendant necklace, I was too. This was not chocolate cake and actually being unaccustomed to getting real gifts, I didn't know what I'd done to receive it. He walked by several times, smiling and smiling. My girls made me put it on and all I could think of was how I was going to get out of seeing him later...
He turned out to be cooler than I thought though. He was bold enough to come visit us all in our room and chat without any sense of nervousness. He didn't try to sexually assault me (though he was obviously VERY interested in that area) and we ended up having very nice conversation. He asked if he could call me when I got home and has done so every day since my trip ended.
So, one more boy in the yard for the moment. I have serious reservations but I'm working on not being such a wrecker ball to pleasant situations. Every one tells me that I don't give friendship a chance and that I'm too logical all the time - well, they don't tell me that. They tell me I should control what I say and let the guy do what he would like to do for me without me calling him out on it. Anyways, this dude is head over heels and is being very nice. But, ya'll know this much about me...it won't be long...:-)
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Boys in the Yard
I'm almost afraid to say it - it's barely been a week. But since I've been in this spot before, and know things can change within a day (I am going to the Bahamas this weekend so there's no telling what I'll meet on that trip), and that men are way more fickle than women, I can say with confidence that my yard is nearly empty again.
Now, yes, I suffice it say that I'm getting that connotation wrong but this is how I use it. "Boys in my yard" mean men I'm dealing with, have a romantic interest in, or simply give me attention.
So recently the star players have been Sound Guy (you don't know that much about him and I'll tell you why later), Tow Truck Guy (or S.L.I. - and, by the way, I'm not in love anymore), Zoo Guy (S.A.), Thug Life, and The Scientist.
Sound Guy and I have been at odds since day one and I sincerely believe that is the nature of our relationship. I hate him and he hates me. We just like the electricity we generate when we get our guns hot on each other (and that's not a pun). He dissed me in the worst way several weeks ago (I may have written about it - I can't remember) and since then, I have naturally avoided him. I've had other things to keep me occupied. Anyways, I've come across him twice (while walking down the street) since I lost our last match and he's still waving his retarded victory flag - smiling big and waving like he didn't do anything wrong. Actually like he did do something wrong and he just got away with it. In my mind, we're like two anime cartoons and he's sitting on top of the mountain with rays of win streaming out from behind him and I'm in the valley, trembling with revenge...Like I said, it's the nature of our relationship.
Tow Truck Guy (S.L.I.) has made it safely to the Friend Zone and lives peacefully among the meaningful guy friends that have built a wonderful village there. He is there when I need a moral and mental boost, tells me I'm pretty, sounds like everything he says is a fact, and thinks I'm wonderful. He doesn't hang around much, we're down to talking every few days, and I even feel like I'm working at the friendship too (he'd skipped lunch the other day while working and got swamped with work. I'd cooked dinner and told him to swing by and I'd bring him some. He did and thanked me immensely for saving his life. He just drove by, picked up a tupperware of food, and drove off - loved it!)
Zoo Guy has disappeared but I'm not even phased. He was having a hard time keeping his dates and commitments - I even asked him if this whole part of his life was a bad time to get to know him. He insisted that everything was as good as it was going to be for the moment but that he was going through a very big transition with his life. He'd just turned 30 (and I'm saying this from experience) and was trying to figure out if his career was worth pursuing after a very big setback, if he was the kind of man he wanted to be, you know, life stuff...so it's no real surprise he's disappeared. I'm sure he'll be back when he wants some eye candy on his arm for a cool festival or event he has to go to.
Thug Life and I have called it. I called it actually. It took a lot of courage to do so and it sort of surprised me that it did. Since he texts me everyday, nearly all day, I had to tell him to actually stop. That I did not want him contacting me anymore. I must've sounded serious enough because he apologized and I haven't heard from him in two days. I was glad I'd put my foot down finally and ended such a dead end situation anyway but truthfully, as soon as I did it, I had a small panic attack and felt extremely sad. I felt the need to eat cake or macaroni and cheese. I didn't understand why I was having this feeling until I talked to a friend who mentioned that having someone call you every day and tell you how sexy you are and want you - well, it's something you want to happen. When it stops, even if it's from someone you don't want it from, it's disappointing in a way. I had a whole rant about not having enough love from a male growing up, but her explanation seemed much simpler and made more sense.
The Scientist...hmmm. Not even sure if I mentioned him but in truth, I haven't been able to categorize him yet. The name I've tagged him with doesn't even fit because I haven't really explored what he's all about. I do know I'm on the fence about him. He's not aggressive in any way and I'm not used to not being a ninja in a relationship. I was a little disappointed at our first real meeting and I have a feeling it may be a trend, but for now, he's just hanging around the gate - not sure if he's in the yard or not. It's different and I'll keep you posted...
So now that the recap is done, I have this to say. I'm glad my yard is empty. I was getting bored anyway. There has to more to this life than running around hoping for a man to decide who he is and if he wants to share a life with you. Not that I won't revisit the situation (I may have juicy stories in just a few days). I am a woman and my programming dictates that I desire to be mated and loved and cherished by the only other attractive and logical species on earth - a man. But, I am a person first and I can actually do a whole lot with that - and make myself better for myself. Good thing I'm into that too...
Now, yes, I suffice it say that I'm getting that connotation wrong but this is how I use it. "Boys in my yard" mean men I'm dealing with, have a romantic interest in, or simply give me attention.
So recently the star players have been Sound Guy (you don't know that much about him and I'll tell you why later), Tow Truck Guy (or S.L.I. - and, by the way, I'm not in love anymore), Zoo Guy (S.A.), Thug Life, and The Scientist.
Sound Guy and I have been at odds since day one and I sincerely believe that is the nature of our relationship. I hate him and he hates me. We just like the electricity we generate when we get our guns hot on each other (and that's not a pun). He dissed me in the worst way several weeks ago (I may have written about it - I can't remember) and since then, I have naturally avoided him. I've had other things to keep me occupied. Anyways, I've come across him twice (while walking down the street) since I lost our last match and he's still waving his retarded victory flag - smiling big and waving like he didn't do anything wrong. Actually like he did do something wrong and he just got away with it. In my mind, we're like two anime cartoons and he's sitting on top of the mountain with rays of win streaming out from behind him and I'm in the valley, trembling with revenge...Like I said, it's the nature of our relationship.
Tow Truck Guy (S.L.I.) has made it safely to the Friend Zone and lives peacefully among the meaningful guy friends that have built a wonderful village there. He is there when I need a moral and mental boost, tells me I'm pretty, sounds like everything he says is a fact, and thinks I'm wonderful. He doesn't hang around much, we're down to talking every few days, and I even feel like I'm working at the friendship too (he'd skipped lunch the other day while working and got swamped with work. I'd cooked dinner and told him to swing by and I'd bring him some. He did and thanked me immensely for saving his life. He just drove by, picked up a tupperware of food, and drove off - loved it!)
Zoo Guy has disappeared but I'm not even phased. He was having a hard time keeping his dates and commitments - I even asked him if this whole part of his life was a bad time to get to know him. He insisted that everything was as good as it was going to be for the moment but that he was going through a very big transition with his life. He'd just turned 30 (and I'm saying this from experience) and was trying to figure out if his career was worth pursuing after a very big setback, if he was the kind of man he wanted to be, you know, life stuff...so it's no real surprise he's disappeared. I'm sure he'll be back when he wants some eye candy on his arm for a cool festival or event he has to go to.
Thug Life and I have called it. I called it actually. It took a lot of courage to do so and it sort of surprised me that it did. Since he texts me everyday, nearly all day, I had to tell him to actually stop. That I did not want him contacting me anymore. I must've sounded serious enough because he apologized and I haven't heard from him in two days. I was glad I'd put my foot down finally and ended such a dead end situation anyway but truthfully, as soon as I did it, I had a small panic attack and felt extremely sad. I felt the need to eat cake or macaroni and cheese. I didn't understand why I was having this feeling until I talked to a friend who mentioned that having someone call you every day and tell you how sexy you are and want you - well, it's something you want to happen. When it stops, even if it's from someone you don't want it from, it's disappointing in a way. I had a whole rant about not having enough love from a male growing up, but her explanation seemed much simpler and made more sense.
The Scientist...hmmm. Not even sure if I mentioned him but in truth, I haven't been able to categorize him yet. The name I've tagged him with doesn't even fit because I haven't really explored what he's all about. I do know I'm on the fence about him. He's not aggressive in any way and I'm not used to not being a ninja in a relationship. I was a little disappointed at our first real meeting and I have a feeling it may be a trend, but for now, he's just hanging around the gate - not sure if he's in the yard or not. It's different and I'll keep you posted...
So now that the recap is done, I have this to say. I'm glad my yard is empty. I was getting bored anyway. There has to more to this life than running around hoping for a man to decide who he is and if he wants to share a life with you. Not that I won't revisit the situation (I may have juicy stories in just a few days). I am a woman and my programming dictates that I desire to be mated and loved and cherished by the only other attractive and logical species on earth - a man. But, I am a person first and I can actually do a whole lot with that - and make myself better for myself. Good thing I'm into that too...
Friday, June 15, 2012
Older...
It is my birthday today.
I nearly forgot and to tell the truth, it has never really been a priority to me. I notice it, I acknowledge it, but I've never had a birthday party or view it as my own personal parade and present confetti event...but that's another story...
Anyways, since I put so much work into finishing up my Pre-Bucket List before I turned 40 (now that WAS a milestone to me), then being in shock the whole time I was 40, and then crying about not being 40 anymore (when I turned 41), I don't really know how to feel this year. Truthfully, I never imagined that I would ever really be this age. I honestly never envisioned it as a child, didn't think about it as a young adult, and thought that 40 was the cut-off when I reached adulthood. 40 was when they put you out to pasture - you didn't have anything to prove anymore and didn't have the energy to prove it anyways.
So here I am today just chillin' at work. First of all, I'm at work which is a never (I don't like people wishing me 'Happy Birthday' like I'm 12) but everyone else decided to take the day off so here I am. And I'm not even upset about it. I've been playing music to jam to all day, chair dancing, and getting some awesome work done. Meanwhile, some of the boys in yard want to take me out this weekend so that makes me feel good. My sisters have called to request that I slow time for them because when I get older, the clock ticks louder for them. I have yet to call my mom and thank her for pushing and putting up with my Dad so that I made it here alive.
I think I'm just a bit stunned at my lack of enthusiasm over this day for myself. I'm usually happy to get older, if not inwardly so. If not happy, I'm overwhelmingly depressed (I remember the intervention of 27) so it can only mean one thing for my attitude to be what it is...I've come to terms with my life.
Not all aspects of it, of course. There are still huge sections that I need to improve and plenty of missions that I really need to abandon to be happy. But the fact that I don't have boundless energy, never being sick or hurt, not having to sleep for days at a time...they're all gone. I got all excited last night and wanted to go for a spin around the city and while I was thinking about it - I fell asleep. For my morning run this morning, I literally talked myself into just ignoring my sprained Achilles heel because, as I put it, "it's just not going to get better so deal with it". I don't believe that I am acting this way. The younger Audra is just about packaged up for storage so I have to welcome this new, relaxed, resolved (i.e. defeated) Audra. I have to admit, not much surprises me anymore. Not much excites me either. When I think of completely changing the course of my life and becoming an Armadillo biologist or Humboldt squid explorer, I feel excited for 2.5 seconds then yawn a "too much work" yawn. If this keeps up, the next 20 years are really going to go downhill. I will get a lot sleep, though, so I guess that's an upside.
I will resolve that I am content today and after 41 years as a human on this planet, I guess that's a decent place to be and as good as it gets in this system. :-)
Now, back to my chair dancing...*smile*
I nearly forgot and to tell the truth, it has never really been a priority to me. I notice it, I acknowledge it, but I've never had a birthday party or view it as my own personal parade and present confetti event...but that's another story...
Anyways, since I put so much work into finishing up my Pre-Bucket List before I turned 40 (now that WAS a milestone to me), then being in shock the whole time I was 40, and then crying about not being 40 anymore (when I turned 41), I don't really know how to feel this year. Truthfully, I never imagined that I would ever really be this age. I honestly never envisioned it as a child, didn't think about it as a young adult, and thought that 40 was the cut-off when I reached adulthood. 40 was when they put you out to pasture - you didn't have anything to prove anymore and didn't have the energy to prove it anyways.
So here I am today just chillin' at work. First of all, I'm at work which is a never (I don't like people wishing me 'Happy Birthday' like I'm 12) but everyone else decided to take the day off so here I am. And I'm not even upset about it. I've been playing music to jam to all day, chair dancing, and getting some awesome work done. Meanwhile, some of the boys in yard want to take me out this weekend so that makes me feel good. My sisters have called to request that I slow time for them because when I get older, the clock ticks louder for them. I have yet to call my mom and thank her for pushing and putting up with my Dad so that I made it here alive.
I think I'm just a bit stunned at my lack of enthusiasm over this day for myself. I'm usually happy to get older, if not inwardly so. If not happy, I'm overwhelmingly depressed (I remember the intervention of 27) so it can only mean one thing for my attitude to be what it is...I've come to terms with my life.
Not all aspects of it, of course. There are still huge sections that I need to improve and plenty of missions that I really need to abandon to be happy. But the fact that I don't have boundless energy, never being sick or hurt, not having to sleep for days at a time...they're all gone. I got all excited last night and wanted to go for a spin around the city and while I was thinking about it - I fell asleep. For my morning run this morning, I literally talked myself into just ignoring my sprained Achilles heel because, as I put it, "it's just not going to get better so deal with it". I don't believe that I am acting this way. The younger Audra is just about packaged up for storage so I have to welcome this new, relaxed, resolved (i.e. defeated) Audra. I have to admit, not much surprises me anymore. Not much excites me either. When I think of completely changing the course of my life and becoming an Armadillo biologist or Humboldt squid explorer, I feel excited for 2.5 seconds then yawn a "too much work" yawn. If this keeps up, the next 20 years are really going to go downhill. I will get a lot sleep, though, so I guess that's an upside.
I will resolve that I am content today and after 41 years as a human on this planet, I guess that's a decent place to be and as good as it gets in this system. :-)
Now, back to my chair dancing...*smile*
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Thug Life...
Ok, so Thug Life is back...
He'd gone off on me a couple of weeks ago. Said he'd been trying to see me for two weeks now and I kept avoiding him. I had to re-explain that I WAS avoiding him because (1) we didn't have a thing in common and (2) he was an actual thug and I was a law-abiding citizen and (3) he was a young'n.
That being said, he merely ignored my logical argument and ranted about this being a stupid endeavor on his part and said the only thing that made me mad: "I don't get you girls in the South! You take things too slow!"
First of all, I'm not from here. Not that I don't love the South now - I've been here a really long time. But I wasn't brought up here and my core tendencies are still set from up North. I'm brash and adventurous, moody and voluptuous, shoot from the hip and take no prisoners. I've toned it down a bit since I've been here. My mother is from the South so it's not like I didn't have any manners. They just weren't Southern manners. I've learned to say "Yes, ma'am" but only to older people and it doesn't come naturally. I know how to act like I'm holding back an ocean with politeness but behind closed doors, I'll talk about you in a way I feel fits better.
So, that being said, I let him have it. And seeing that he was from Long Island, he could take it. We argued back and forth for a little while - I told him he needed to get his act together and be a man, he told me I need to back off the teasing and leave him alone. So I did.
Next morning, he was back at it again with the "hello's" and "good mornings". I asked him if he was sorry for being such a butt and he said he was.
Thug Life is...smh...
This is going to be a long summer...
He'd gone off on me a couple of weeks ago. Said he'd been trying to see me for two weeks now and I kept avoiding him. I had to re-explain that I WAS avoiding him because (1) we didn't have a thing in common and (2) he was an actual thug and I was a law-abiding citizen and (3) he was a young'n.
That being said, he merely ignored my logical argument and ranted about this being a stupid endeavor on his part and said the only thing that made me mad: "I don't get you girls in the South! You take things too slow!"
First of all, I'm not from here. Not that I don't love the South now - I've been here a really long time. But I wasn't brought up here and my core tendencies are still set from up North. I'm brash and adventurous, moody and voluptuous, shoot from the hip and take no prisoners. I've toned it down a bit since I've been here. My mother is from the South so it's not like I didn't have any manners. They just weren't Southern manners. I've learned to say "Yes, ma'am" but only to older people and it doesn't come naturally. I know how to act like I'm holding back an ocean with politeness but behind closed doors, I'll talk about you in a way I feel fits better.
So, that being said, I let him have it. And seeing that he was from Long Island, he could take it. We argued back and forth for a little while - I told him he needed to get his act together and be a man, he told me I need to back off the teasing and leave him alone. So I did.
Next morning, he was back at it again with the "hello's" and "good mornings". I asked him if he was sorry for being such a butt and he said he was.
Thug Life is...smh...
This is going to be a long summer...
Sunday, June 10, 2012
BGF
Well, another weekend, another experience. Hope you have your wine...
Here goes..
After a lengthy and endearing conversation, I agreed to another date with S.A. He ended up having car issues but decided he would come to the Soapbox Races with me this Saturday. Somehow I knew he would blow it (either of his own accord or by extenuating circumstances) so I went ahead and had a great time with my other friends that came to go. It was an awesome day. He did call and offer to do a make up dinner that evening. I agreed. And here's where I again went off the set track and deep into the brush...
Evening arrived and I hadn't heard from S.A. I had, though, been chatting with S.L.I. all day as usual. We were back to being just chums again and he even came up to the store where me and my girls were shopping to hang out for a bit. So when night came and I still hadn't heard from S.A., when S.L.I. called to tell me he was finally done with work, I pouted about how my night had again not turned out like I'd hoped. Like a charm, he promised to be at my house forth with. It was 12:30 and I lamented that I just wanted a drink and good conversation. Between us, that seemed to never be a problem. It began to rain but we decided to walk to the tavern up the street anyway. We were back again to talking of his past and life and drama and simple things that made us happy. I couldn't help it - after 2 Long Island Ice Teas, I was all cuddly on him. He enjoyed it and we stayed until the tavern closed.
We walked back to my house and he told me he was going to take me over to his side of town for a tour. We went to his brother's house which was basically another tavern and hung out there for an hour or two. Then we went to his house and looked at all the pictures of his family and his father's baseball collection. Then he took me home. It was 6 am by the time I got into my bed.
We didn't talk too much about what we'd discussed the last time we were out. He just kept smiling at me and I melted every time. When he left, he smiled and I made the statement that he couldn't do that to me anymore - it was ruining our friendship. He giggled and smiled again.
Such a good guy...this love thing is not wearing off as quickly as I'd hoped.
Anyway, weekend plans that started one way ended up another. This is starting to turn into a pattern. But as summer gets up to full speed, I'm really glad that I may have found a replacement BGF and that's he's a better model than the last...
Here goes..
After a lengthy and endearing conversation, I agreed to another date with S.A. He ended up having car issues but decided he would come to the Soapbox Races with me this Saturday. Somehow I knew he would blow it (either of his own accord or by extenuating circumstances) so I went ahead and had a great time with my other friends that came to go. It was an awesome day. He did call and offer to do a make up dinner that evening. I agreed. And here's where I again went off the set track and deep into the brush...
Evening arrived and I hadn't heard from S.A. I had, though, been chatting with S.L.I. all day as usual. We were back to being just chums again and he even came up to the store where me and my girls were shopping to hang out for a bit. So when night came and I still hadn't heard from S.A., when S.L.I. called to tell me he was finally done with work, I pouted about how my night had again not turned out like I'd hoped. Like a charm, he promised to be at my house forth with. It was 12:30 and I lamented that I just wanted a drink and good conversation. Between us, that seemed to never be a problem. It began to rain but we decided to walk to the tavern up the street anyway. We were back again to talking of his past and life and drama and simple things that made us happy. I couldn't help it - after 2 Long Island Ice Teas, I was all cuddly on him. He enjoyed it and we stayed until the tavern closed.
We walked back to my house and he told me he was going to take me over to his side of town for a tour. We went to his brother's house which was basically another tavern and hung out there for an hour or two. Then we went to his house and looked at all the pictures of his family and his father's baseball collection. Then he took me home. It was 6 am by the time I got into my bed.
We didn't talk too much about what we'd discussed the last time we were out. He just kept smiling at me and I melted every time. When he left, he smiled and I made the statement that he couldn't do that to me anymore - it was ruining our friendship. He giggled and smiled again.
Such a good guy...this love thing is not wearing off as quickly as I'd hoped.
Anyway, weekend plans that started one way ended up another. This is starting to turn into a pattern. But as summer gets up to full speed, I'm really glad that I may have found a replacement BGF and that's he's a better model than the last...
Friday, June 8, 2012
Meet Up...Beat Up
I am writing this to complain.
As usual, the story is complicated, convoluted, and weird so go get a glass of wine and find your favorite cushion...
I joined a meet up group (like on meetup.com) after a conversation with my marketing manager and the lack of black girlfriends that I have. We'd decided to have my booksigning at an Irish pub where there is a significant lack of color and I thought that since my book is about a woman of color, there should be women of color at my booksigning. After a few reasonable solutions that were offered by my manager, I decided on the cockamamy solution I came up with on my own. I would go to a meet up group that catered to black women who wanted to attract white men, befriend the women, and invite them to my book signing. It seemed like a perfect plan. Just like the many perfect plans you might see on Scooby Doo or the Flintstones. But this is real life (though the outcome is kind of the same as on those cartoons)...
So I joined the most exclusive one I could find (they had a trial period, a questionnaire, and an approval process) and went to my first event tonight.
First of all, if you've read any of my posts, you will know that I'm a certified cougar now. I got my cougar wings last year when I had 20 year olds hitting on me. So, for this event, I was not on the prowl and I dressed for the occasion. I was going bowling, for goodness sake. I dressed comfortable and looked like a cross between sitting at a tennis match and going grocery shopping - nothing fancy. But lo and behold! When I walked in the bowling alley with my equally Charlie's Angel gal pal next to me, the place turned into a meat locker before my eyes. Being childishly friendly, I greeted everyone with a smile and a handshake but the women in the group looked me over and then gave me their back. The men looked afraid to take in my voluptousness and one dude nearly lost an eye when he snuck a peek.
I tried again. They were playing a word game and I asked what it was about. No answer, no one looked up, I heard them praying I would go away. I asked if it was something that I could understand or if someone could show me how it worked. One evil dated cougar mumbled "Figure it out."
I was aghast. I glanced at my friend who'd come with me, a former mean girl, and she gave me the eye. It was time to go. I, a former geek chick (still am!), said "no, let's see if we can work with this." After the five minutes it took to win the game, we got a gift card and the ice brigade moved to the bowling lane. We went and sat with them.
One of the friendlier women asked how long we'd dated interacially. Who asks that question? In life? My friend made up an answer and I looked like someone had asked me how long I'd known my kidney. My stupid yet friendly answer was: "I have many kinds of friends." Even I don't know what that means...
After ten more minutes, I decided I'd had enough. Those that know me, know deep down inside, I am the Incredible Hulk - She-Hulk does not suffice. Even I'm afraid of when I get bored or decide I don't want to be somewhere. It's not anger that sets it off, it's boredom.
In those ten minutes, I became dangerously bored. The people weren't friendly to us. A new white guy showed up and everyone introduced themselves like he brought doughnuts. I looked at my friend and nodded. She made herself scarce as I found the one chick that was friendly, told her that we'd stop by to check them out and now we were going, and handed her the giftcard we'd won. "Give it to the second runner-up." I said, and left. My BFF was giggling as we got in the car and I was livid from being iced by vintage cougars.
There is no happy ending to this story except now I know I really look as good as I feel and apparently don't look my age at all. Other than that...those chicks can keep their little meetup group...I can find some black girlfriends on my own.
As usual, the story is complicated, convoluted, and weird so go get a glass of wine and find your favorite cushion...
I joined a meet up group (like on meetup.com) after a conversation with my marketing manager and the lack of black girlfriends that I have. We'd decided to have my booksigning at an Irish pub where there is a significant lack of color and I thought that since my book is about a woman of color, there should be women of color at my booksigning. After a few reasonable solutions that were offered by my manager, I decided on the cockamamy solution I came up with on my own. I would go to a meet up group that catered to black women who wanted to attract white men, befriend the women, and invite them to my book signing. It seemed like a perfect plan. Just like the many perfect plans you might see on Scooby Doo or the Flintstones. But this is real life (though the outcome is kind of the same as on those cartoons)...
So I joined the most exclusive one I could find (they had a trial period, a questionnaire, and an approval process) and went to my first event tonight.
First of all, if you've read any of my posts, you will know that I'm a certified cougar now. I got my cougar wings last year when I had 20 year olds hitting on me. So, for this event, I was not on the prowl and I dressed for the occasion. I was going bowling, for goodness sake. I dressed comfortable and looked like a cross between sitting at a tennis match and going grocery shopping - nothing fancy. But lo and behold! When I walked in the bowling alley with my equally Charlie's Angel gal pal next to me, the place turned into a meat locker before my eyes. Being childishly friendly, I greeted everyone with a smile and a handshake but the women in the group looked me over and then gave me their back. The men looked afraid to take in my voluptousness and one dude nearly lost an eye when he snuck a peek.
I tried again. They were playing a word game and I asked what it was about. No answer, no one looked up, I heard them praying I would go away. I asked if it was something that I could understand or if someone could show me how it worked. One evil dated cougar mumbled "Figure it out."
I was aghast. I glanced at my friend who'd come with me, a former mean girl, and she gave me the eye. It was time to go. I, a former geek chick (still am!), said "no, let's see if we can work with this." After the five minutes it took to win the game, we got a gift card and the ice brigade moved to the bowling lane. We went and sat with them.
One of the friendlier women asked how long we'd dated interacially. Who asks that question? In life? My friend made up an answer and I looked like someone had asked me how long I'd known my kidney. My stupid yet friendly answer was: "I have many kinds of friends." Even I don't know what that means...
After ten more minutes, I decided I'd had enough. Those that know me, know deep down inside, I am the Incredible Hulk - She-Hulk does not suffice. Even I'm afraid of when I get bored or decide I don't want to be somewhere. It's not anger that sets it off, it's boredom.
In those ten minutes, I became dangerously bored. The people weren't friendly to us. A new white guy showed up and everyone introduced themselves like he brought doughnuts. I looked at my friend and nodded. She made herself scarce as I found the one chick that was friendly, told her that we'd stop by to check them out and now we were going, and handed her the giftcard we'd won. "Give it to the second runner-up." I said, and left. My BFF was giggling as we got in the car and I was livid from being iced by vintage cougars.
There is no happy ending to this story except now I know I really look as good as I feel and apparently don't look my age at all. Other than that...those chicks can keep their little meetup group...I can find some black girlfriends on my own.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
The problem with drinking...
I tend to gravitate to wine. This is a habit formed when I was married to a Frenchman for 5 years. Wine was like the period to every sentence. It was with every meal and made every day just wonderful. Now that I think about it, it's probably why our first 4 years were such bliss. So now that I've been single again for more years than I was married, it has basically replaced my husband. We hang out every other day or so, depending on when I have to get up in the morning. It works out - wine is the gorgeous boyfriend without the boring conversation or the need not to eat too much.
That being said (and Merlot laying next to me in bed stroking my arm), I am writing this blogpost under the influence. I tend to be a little more honest and open than if you talked to me at 8 am.
I think I'm in love.
That statement in itself needs explanation which I will try to do in the most minimal of sentences (because even though I blog and write, I don't necessarily like to read). I have come to the conclusion that I was in love with accidental BF#1. After months of study and periodic sessions of thought and reflective data analyzation, I have come to the scientific conclusion that I must have been in love. Why else would the universe form a perfect cycle around him, everything wrong with my life disappear when he called me, my heart break into pieces that I can't retrieve when we decided never to see each other again, and every man I meet since not measure up to his image? For a long time, I shrugged it off as nostalga and romantic nonsense. I wasn't being logical with myself. But now that time has passed and my heart can actually beat without assistance, I see that I was smitten with the number one heart disease in the world - love. That being said: now I can see the wisdom in what I've learned because now I can see it happeneing beforehand and not in the most pain imaginable aftermath.
I am trying (and this time, I really am) not to fall for the giddy ex-con that has made his way into the yard. Honestly, I am not even quite sure how it has happened to end up this way because I was in no way attracted to him in a sexual way. It was all just fun and games - like when you meet a co-worker you just get along with naturally. Jokes, fun, and games - we talk the same way so it's easy to understand the sly comments we make to each other. I LOVE a man with a similar sense of humor and we don't need to explain any jokes to each other. Besides, the 3 times I've needed help this month, he's been on point - stopping work to help move furniture, taking the evening to work on my car, and rescuing my Saturday night from a bad date and making me the happiest girl ever. The last event happened last night. I'll try to sum up:
I'd gone out with a seemingly cool dude I met last week to an awesome event. As awesome as he seemed, I spent most of the night dancing by myself and feeling neglected. Not being the patient and hopeful girl I'd always aspired to be, I called said love interest to whine about the date being a bust. He promised to pick me up where S.A.(Seemingly Awesome) had dropped the ball and would meet me at home when he dropped me off. 10 minutes after S.A. dropped me, S.L.I. picked me up, took me to shoot pool and bought me more drinks. He is a reformed thug, thick and pretty - so smooth, it takes actual thought to stop yourself from jumping on him and kissing him senseless. But he's old and a little chubby, so it's easy to keep your focus once you've decided how it's going to be. I hugged him like a fireman to the rescue when he showed up - he giggled excessively - and I actually thanked him for rescuing me. While we played pool, I let him hug me, caress my body and make inappropriate comments - he kept the drinks coming and paid for everything up front. He made friends with the bartender, so I knew he was a pro. He let me talk about everything that had happened that night and told me similar stories of his life. Afterward, he got into a little funk about a dear friend who had died taking a bullet for him (I'd also been to a funeral earlier that day so our conversation was extremely reflective) and decided to show me the places he'd hung out before his incarceration. They were scary areas but he looked at home in the crack addict haunted areas of Atlanta. Thugs and cops patrolled every corner and now I knew why I'd never turned down those particular streets. It was an eye opener and only when he asked "So, do you have enough for your blog?" did I realize how much he thought of me. He giggled, held my hand, and he drove me home.
On the street where I live, we chatted more about his life and mine, how different and how vivid they both were with past loves and regrets. Finally he told me that though he had an agenda he was working at, I was not in his plan but he didn't know why he kept finding himself at my street. "There are some things that just happen and there's nothing you can do about it." he said. He kissed me then and what was the worst about it, was that it was just right - it was awesome. I knew that feeling - I'd been there before. My heart set off a certified, Star Trek Enterprise, Red Alert - this was not a drill. I told him that this was a problem and I was leaving. He insisted on walking me to the door. I told him he could walk me to the gate but it would be difficult for him to leave. We talked some more at the gate about how we shouldn't/couldn't be together in any scenario and then I asked him to take me to Hawaii. (it was really late ya'll, and I had an exorbitant amount of alcohol to drink in one night). He figured up the cost and decided he would. He also decided I needed a new car and asked me what I wanted. It took us both by surprise, the happiness we felt when we imagined being together. He told me to go in the house even tho he had to use the restroom. I told him to come in the use it instead of "watering the bushes". He stopped and showed himself to be the irresistable gentleman that had my heart. "No, this is difficult. You go on in. If I come in, I won't want to leave and I should leave. You go home now." He shook his head in disbelief of his own words and backed up with a smile.
Ok - that's a lot of details but they made an impact. I kissed him, wished him goodnight, and went home. When I got in the house, I took off my shoes, put my purse down, and patted my dogs. I made my way down the hall - and it shook. I put both hands to hold the wall still and realized in those moments that it took to stop rocking that my heart had been compromised. Compromised.
I'm not a sucker. At least not all the time. I don't even like 98% of the men I go out with - I just want a great experience without coming out of my own pocket and to be pampered. This guy exceeds that and I can't measure it. He has the potential for being very dangerous to my current course of action.
Today he called to see how I was and I asked him how he felt about last night. He said it felt like a movie. Something so surreal he couldn't understand it.
Don't tell a reformed romantic mess like that. I told him I felt that same but I was glad we were both adults because we can't give in to that nonsense. (His answer: "if you say so"). We talked about movies and first dates, cars and phones, work and old friends...anything but about how we felt. I wanted to yell, "My heart is yours! Whatever you say, whereever you go!" but I didn't. I laughed at our awkward silence, the aching heart I heard on the other end of the phone, and prayed he wouldn't come over without calling.
Yeah, I'm in love. I just hope it wears off soon...
That being said (and Merlot laying next to me in bed stroking my arm), I am writing this blogpost under the influence. I tend to be a little more honest and open than if you talked to me at 8 am.
I think I'm in love.
That statement in itself needs explanation which I will try to do in the most minimal of sentences (because even though I blog and write, I don't necessarily like to read). I have come to the conclusion that I was in love with accidental BF#1. After months of study and periodic sessions of thought and reflective data analyzation, I have come to the scientific conclusion that I must have been in love. Why else would the universe form a perfect cycle around him, everything wrong with my life disappear when he called me, my heart break into pieces that I can't retrieve when we decided never to see each other again, and every man I meet since not measure up to his image? For a long time, I shrugged it off as nostalga and romantic nonsense. I wasn't being logical with myself. But now that time has passed and my heart can actually beat without assistance, I see that I was smitten with the number one heart disease in the world - love. That being said: now I can see the wisdom in what I've learned because now I can see it happeneing beforehand and not in the most pain imaginable aftermath.
I am trying (and this time, I really am) not to fall for the giddy ex-con that has made his way into the yard. Honestly, I am not even quite sure how it has happened to end up this way because I was in no way attracted to him in a sexual way. It was all just fun and games - like when you meet a co-worker you just get along with naturally. Jokes, fun, and games - we talk the same way so it's easy to understand the sly comments we make to each other. I LOVE a man with a similar sense of humor and we don't need to explain any jokes to each other. Besides, the 3 times I've needed help this month, he's been on point - stopping work to help move furniture, taking the evening to work on my car, and rescuing my Saturday night from a bad date and making me the happiest girl ever. The last event happened last night. I'll try to sum up:
I'd gone out with a seemingly cool dude I met last week to an awesome event. As awesome as he seemed, I spent most of the night dancing by myself and feeling neglected. Not being the patient and hopeful girl I'd always aspired to be, I called said love interest to whine about the date being a bust. He promised to pick me up where S.A.(Seemingly Awesome) had dropped the ball and would meet me at home when he dropped me off. 10 minutes after S.A. dropped me, S.L.I. picked me up, took me to shoot pool and bought me more drinks. He is a reformed thug, thick and pretty - so smooth, it takes actual thought to stop yourself from jumping on him and kissing him senseless. But he's old and a little chubby, so it's easy to keep your focus once you've decided how it's going to be. I hugged him like a fireman to the rescue when he showed up - he giggled excessively - and I actually thanked him for rescuing me. While we played pool, I let him hug me, caress my body and make inappropriate comments - he kept the drinks coming and paid for everything up front. He made friends with the bartender, so I knew he was a pro. He let me talk about everything that had happened that night and told me similar stories of his life. Afterward, he got into a little funk about a dear friend who had died taking a bullet for him (I'd also been to a funeral earlier that day so our conversation was extremely reflective) and decided to show me the places he'd hung out before his incarceration. They were scary areas but he looked at home in the crack addict haunted areas of Atlanta. Thugs and cops patrolled every corner and now I knew why I'd never turned down those particular streets. It was an eye opener and only when he asked "So, do you have enough for your blog?" did I realize how much he thought of me. He giggled, held my hand, and he drove me home.
On the street where I live, we chatted more about his life and mine, how different and how vivid they both were with past loves and regrets. Finally he told me that though he had an agenda he was working at, I was not in his plan but he didn't know why he kept finding himself at my street. "There are some things that just happen and there's nothing you can do about it." he said. He kissed me then and what was the worst about it, was that it was just right - it was awesome. I knew that feeling - I'd been there before. My heart set off a certified, Star Trek Enterprise, Red Alert - this was not a drill. I told him that this was a problem and I was leaving. He insisted on walking me to the door. I told him he could walk me to the gate but it would be difficult for him to leave. We talked some more at the gate about how we shouldn't/couldn't be together in any scenario and then I asked him to take me to Hawaii. (it was really late ya'll, and I had an exorbitant amount of alcohol to drink in one night). He figured up the cost and decided he would. He also decided I needed a new car and asked me what I wanted. It took us both by surprise, the happiness we felt when we imagined being together. He told me to go in the house even tho he had to use the restroom. I told him to come in the use it instead of "watering the bushes". He stopped and showed himself to be the irresistable gentleman that had my heart. "No, this is difficult. You go on in. If I come in, I won't want to leave and I should leave. You go home now." He shook his head in disbelief of his own words and backed up with a smile.
Ok - that's a lot of details but they made an impact. I kissed him, wished him goodnight, and went home. When I got in the house, I took off my shoes, put my purse down, and patted my dogs. I made my way down the hall - and it shook. I put both hands to hold the wall still and realized in those moments that it took to stop rocking that my heart had been compromised. Compromised.
I'm not a sucker. At least not all the time. I don't even like 98% of the men I go out with - I just want a great experience without coming out of my own pocket and to be pampered. This guy exceeds that and I can't measure it. He has the potential for being very dangerous to my current course of action.
Today he called to see how I was and I asked him how he felt about last night. He said it felt like a movie. Something so surreal he couldn't understand it.
Don't tell a reformed romantic mess like that. I told him I felt that same but I was glad we were both adults because we can't give in to that nonsense. (His answer: "if you say so"). We talked about movies and first dates, cars and phones, work and old friends...anything but about how we felt. I wanted to yell, "My heart is yours! Whatever you say, whereever you go!" but I didn't. I laughed at our awkward silence, the aching heart I heard on the other end of the phone, and prayed he wouldn't come over without calling.
Yeah, I'm in love. I just hope it wears off soon...
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