Older...

It is my birthday today.

I nearly forgot and to tell the truth, it has never really been a priority to me.  I notice it, I acknowledge it, but I've never had a birthday party or view it as my own personal parade and present confetti event...but that's another story...

Anyways, since I put so much work into finishing up my Pre-Bucket List before I turned 40 (now that WAS a milestone to me), then being in shock the whole time I was 40, and then crying about not being 40 anymore (when I turned 41), I don't really know how to feel this year.  Truthfully, I never imagined that I would ever really be this age.  I honestly never envisioned it as a child, didn't think about it as a young adult, and thought that 40 was the cut-off when I reached adulthood.  40 was when they put you out to pasture - you didn't have anything to prove anymore and didn't have the energy to prove it anyways.

So here I am today just chillin' at work.  First of all, I'm at work which is a never (I don't like people wishing me 'Happy Birthday' like I'm 12) but everyone else decided to take the day off so here I am.  And I'm not even upset about it.  I've been playing music to jam to all day, chair dancing, and getting some awesome work done.  Meanwhile, some of the boys in yard want to take me out this weekend so that makes me feel good.  My sisters have called to request that I slow time for them because when I get older, the clock ticks louder for them. I have yet to call my mom and thank her for pushing and putting up with my Dad so that I made it here alive.

I think I'm just a bit stunned at my lack of enthusiasm over this day for myself.  I'm usually happy to get older, if not inwardly so.  If not happy, I'm overwhelmingly depressed (I remember the intervention of 27) so it can only mean one thing for my attitude to be what it is...I've come to terms with my life.

Not all aspects of it, of course.  There are still huge sections that I need to improve and plenty of missions that I really need to abandon to be happy.  But the fact that I don't have boundless energy, never being sick or hurt, not having to sleep for days at a time...they're all gone.  I got all excited last night and wanted to go for a spin around the city and while I was thinking about it - I fell asleep.  For my morning run this morning, I literally talked myself into just ignoring my sprained Achilles heel because, as I put it, "it's just not going to get better so deal with it". I don't believe that I am acting this way.  The younger Audra is just about packaged up for storage so I have to welcome this new, relaxed, resolved (i.e. defeated) Audra.  I have to admit, not much surprises me anymore. Not much excites me either.  When I think of completely changing the course of my life and becoming an Armadillo biologist or Humboldt squid explorer, I feel excited for 2.5 seconds then yawn a "too much work" yawn.  If this keeps up, the next 20 years are really going to go downhill.  I will get a lot sleep, though, so I guess that's an upside.

I will resolve that I am content today and after 41 years as a human on this planet, I guess that's a decent place to be and as good as it gets in this system. :-)

Now, back to my chair dancing...*smile*