Can you open a blog post with a song? It's the theme of this post so check out James Blake "The Wilhelm Scream"...I want to write the words but I'd have to listen to it 200 times (I have the memory of a gerbil) but they are very poignant. "I don't know about my dreams anymore. All I know is that I'm falling. Might as well fall." yeah...there you go.
Now back to my theme...
If you've read any of the other posts before this one, you will know that (1) I didn't do WBFX this year because I was tired, (2) I am presently on "boycation", and (3) I've discovered a horrible fetish that I am working night and day to diminish. Those things being said, I have to admit a sobering truth - the guys that have been hitting on me lately have not been in the same league as I think I am in.
Case in point: This morning while darting into Kroger for snacks, there was a 70 year old part-time worker cleaning the stainless steel throughout the store. He looked liked he'd either had a stroke recently or just lived with injuries sustained during the Vietnam War. Either way, in his stainy Kroger uniform, he felt comfortable asking me if I was married in a sly "Shaft"-like voice. (I lied and declared I was happily married!) As I made my way to the self-checkout line, a young Maxwell wannabe who, now that school was out, manned the self-checkout lanes in the daytime, asked me about my hair. We chatted about hair as he milled about and soon he was hammering me with questions about my job, where I worked, along with smiles and shrinking personal space. I got out of Dodge before I was arrested for corrupting a minor. As you can see just from those two examples (believe me, there are tons more and tons worse), I am apparently not attracting the kind of guy that I think can get along wonderfully with my personality, that can afford to go to the places I like to go, and well - either doesn't have an AARP card or a school ID. Not that I'm knocking older guys (this time). They tend to have money and (used to) have the lock on decency and chivalry. Not that I'm knocking younger guys either. They have energy, ideas, and are always ready to go when you are. My issue is the type of person approaching me. They don't even match what I think I look like. And generally, I feel they're looking for someone who looks like they care. I know I wear a "How Can I Help?" look on my face. It's why I do so well as a hostess of anything. My face must tell men that I will accept anyone's try without making them feel bad for trying. And most of the time, I will. I've accepted numbers before because I felt bad about declining to talk to them later.
I need to figure out how to stop this vicious circle. Well, it's not vicious per se, but I'd like to find a handsome, tall, well rounded guy who's funny, never been to prison, and doesn't believe having sex is like ordering dessert after dinner.
Is that too much to ask?
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I have discovered that I have a fetish. A course of action to which one has an excessive and irrational commitment. This course of action is to attract and attain attention from the most uncommon of men. I am, by nature, moderate in general habits. I am not flamboyant and gratuitous. I am contemporary and usually dream of normal, morally upstanding situations. So, I generally wish to find a mate along those same lines. That's when I wish to find a mate.
When I'm bored (which is a lot of the time), I think of more exciting things but I don't meditate on them. My chief fantasy at the moment is to actually be ravaged by Batman but since he doesn't actually exist, it's not that harmful of a fantasy. It is when I find myself on a strange yet exciting course of action that I cannot seem to deviate from that I get scared - and absolutely thrilled at the same time. This is leading to my now known fetish. Attracting men that should only dwell in fantasies. Gangsters, thugs, opulent men. I don't know any of these men - they don't dwell in my circle of friends. I generally gravitate to modest, thoughtful, family men who believe in God or some kind of humility. But when it comes to imagination, those men are boring.
Case in point: twp of the men in the yard at the moment (one got booted today but he refuses to leave). In hindsight, I think I've shown signs of this fetish before but thought I was just acting out. I remember a brief fling when I was in my twenties with a tatted up, nose and ear ringed, bald headed white guy who took me on our first date to the backwoods of Acworth on a lake. I remember thinking that I was going to be killed by this Nazi - he was really sweet though and ruined my expectations.
Man #1 - an ex-con with a heart and smile of gold, giggly and helpful, and full of war stories of his past life. It makes him generally safe though he doesn't stray too far from his old acquaintances but keeps his distance. He is almost therapeutically honest - telling the most detailed yarns of his past and horrible things that he's done. He includes the consequences of his actions and his losses, so he's not boasting. I at first found him thrillingly intriguing but now see him as a just a really good resource. I noticed a change in my attitude when I realized that he did not live the life that he talked about anymore. I became constricted with my time with him. I didn't really have anything to say or ask. I looked at the time on my phone while he yammered on. I got bored. I didn't mean to and it wasn't on purpose. But when I questioned myself on the main goal in pursuing his attentions, the answer was "thrill". I'd never known anyone who'd been in jail several times on drug charges before. Not anyone I felt comfortable talking to. But he was past that and so I picked his brain about his experiences and as he got off on my suffocating attention, I grew bored with the way his stories all ended a few years ago when he decided to leave the life of crime and become a better person and parent.
Man #2 - never even been anywhere with him but his texts are so smooth, they leave you wanting to rob a bank and run off with him to Compton. At least that's what they do to me. I finally put my foot down and told him we had nothing in common so anymore communication was a waste of both of our time. All day I've gotten texts that compare our likes and dislikes in the most absurd connection ("You write books - I write raps"). I'm down to just ignoring the texts and not answering. But my fetish is pulling at me - making me fantasize about hanging out with a weed-smoking, gangsta rap, Lil Wayne-like, ghetto fabulous, super confident and aggressive young man.
How do you live with such an absurd fetish? I don't want any of this to touch my real life. I can't be seen in public with any of these men and have no more in common with them than a groupie has in common with the idol of her affections. And most of all, I'm fickle. In the moment or two when they become "real" people, I'm done, off to find my next thrilling person that I've never known before.
Well, as with all things, I'll work at my self-control. I know they don't teach that anymore, but such an old-fashioned notion works wonders and has saved me in the past. It's just really hard walking past that long loc'd, gold tooth, tatted up, muscle-bound dude in the pimped out Escalade these days...sheesh!
When I'm bored (which is a lot of the time), I think of more exciting things but I don't meditate on them. My chief fantasy at the moment is to actually be ravaged by Batman but since he doesn't actually exist, it's not that harmful of a fantasy. It is when I find myself on a strange yet exciting course of action that I cannot seem to deviate from that I get scared - and absolutely thrilled at the same time. This is leading to my now known fetish. Attracting men that should only dwell in fantasies. Gangsters, thugs, opulent men. I don't know any of these men - they don't dwell in my circle of friends. I generally gravitate to modest, thoughtful, family men who believe in God or some kind of humility. But when it comes to imagination, those men are boring.
Case in point: twp of the men in the yard at the moment (one got booted today but he refuses to leave). In hindsight, I think I've shown signs of this fetish before but thought I was just acting out. I remember a brief fling when I was in my twenties with a tatted up, nose and ear ringed, bald headed white guy who took me on our first date to the backwoods of Acworth on a lake. I remember thinking that I was going to be killed by this Nazi - he was really sweet though and ruined my expectations.
Man #1 - an ex-con with a heart and smile of gold, giggly and helpful, and full of war stories of his past life. It makes him generally safe though he doesn't stray too far from his old acquaintances but keeps his distance. He is almost therapeutically honest - telling the most detailed yarns of his past and horrible things that he's done. He includes the consequences of his actions and his losses, so he's not boasting. I at first found him thrillingly intriguing but now see him as a just a really good resource. I noticed a change in my attitude when I realized that he did not live the life that he talked about anymore. I became constricted with my time with him. I didn't really have anything to say or ask. I looked at the time on my phone while he yammered on. I got bored. I didn't mean to and it wasn't on purpose. But when I questioned myself on the main goal in pursuing his attentions, the answer was "thrill". I'd never known anyone who'd been in jail several times on drug charges before. Not anyone I felt comfortable talking to. But he was past that and so I picked his brain about his experiences and as he got off on my suffocating attention, I grew bored with the way his stories all ended a few years ago when he decided to leave the life of crime and become a better person and parent.
Man #2 - never even been anywhere with him but his texts are so smooth, they leave you wanting to rob a bank and run off with him to Compton. At least that's what they do to me. I finally put my foot down and told him we had nothing in common so anymore communication was a waste of both of our time. All day I've gotten texts that compare our likes and dislikes in the most absurd connection ("You write books - I write raps"). I'm down to just ignoring the texts and not answering. But my fetish is pulling at me - making me fantasize about hanging out with a weed-smoking, gangsta rap, Lil Wayne-like, ghetto fabulous, super confident and aggressive young man.
How do you live with such an absurd fetish? I don't want any of this to touch my real life. I can't be seen in public with any of these men and have no more in common with them than a groupie has in common with the idol of her affections. And most of all, I'm fickle. In the moment or two when they become "real" people, I'm done, off to find my next thrilling person that I've never known before.
Well, as with all things, I'll work at my self-control. I know they don't teach that anymore, but such an old-fashioned notion works wonders and has saved me in the past. It's just really hard walking past that long loc'd, gold tooth, tatted up, muscle-bound dude in the pimped out Escalade these days...sheesh!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Yes, I know winter is a long way off but I was feeling bored as of late and decided to repopulate the yard, if just for a free dinner. I know that sounds shallow but seriously - with my new budget, I'm strapped and can't seem to be able to support my weekend party habits like I used to. I'm not wild but I am addicted to Starbucks and love cool places to be in the middle of the night. So that being said, I put on my game face just to see if anyone was willing to play.
My neighbor and friend needed a tow for her beloved Miata (I felt her pain - her car and mine are like sisters) and I had an extra tow on my AAA. Enter the tow truck driver who was friendly, funny, and helpful. At the end of the ordeal, he called to let us know her car had made it safe and sound to her mechanic's shop and if she needed anything, I could call him. I told him I would and resounded some the earlier banter about faulty GPS, our similarity in age, and his ability to tell a good story. He asked if he could save MY number in his phone. I told him sure and from that day we chatted off and on every other day or so.
Now this past weekend, I was driving past a garage sale and stopped to look. I found the armoire that I'd been looking for since I moved. It was real oak, lovely and undamaged, and most importantly - cheap. I bought it the next day and all I had to do was find a a truck and a couple of strong backs to move it to my house. This conundrum should be in the Guiness Book of World Records as the make or break question to many a friendship. I went through my entire contact list, starting with the boys in the yard. Only the new tow truck guy dropped what he was doing to come and help me. Though, to be fair, the other 98% had valid excuses (i.e. being out of town, having the kids for the weekend, etc.). My BGF, who recently decided that we were friends again, merely texted me "Sorry. Busy." Now, this man has way less of a life than I do and has more freedom to decide his fate than most men his age. I took it as a snub and conjured all my abilities to make his life miserable in the days to come.
But back to the story - my sister and I got the armoire out of the back of her SUV and onto the sidewalk. Tow Truck Guy showed up on cue and with gloves in hand, took over the situation and laid out a 3 person plan to get this heavy piece of furniture up the many flights of stairs to my home. Just then, a dude comes sauntering down the street and says: "That looks heavy. Need some help?" I thought he was joking or homeless until he mentioned he had a dolly in his truck. He disappeared. Several minutes later another guy came up to us and said: "That looks heavy. Need some help?" I was starting to think this was a new episode of "Punk'd" until he hollered at the previous guy who now was headed towards us with a dolly. In a matter of literal minutes, they had my armoire in my living room. I thanked them like they were gods from the sky, my sister tipped them generously, and the Tow Truck Guy hi-fived them like they'd all planned to help me weeks before and it came off without a hitch.
My point is, I've never had my point of view and attitude changed so fast by people I didn't know. Previously, I was a little disappointed in people - as I went through my contacts and found out of 250 of my closest friends, not one of them was available to help me without notice. Only the new guy was willing and happy. And then strangers ended up helping - without notice. I decided I was wrong about people (not by BGF - just people) and if my attitude could change that fast, when I helped others that weren't expecting it - it most likely had the same effect.
That was a good day.
My neighbor and friend needed a tow for her beloved Miata (I felt her pain - her car and mine are like sisters) and I had an extra tow on my AAA. Enter the tow truck driver who was friendly, funny, and helpful. At the end of the ordeal, he called to let us know her car had made it safe and sound to her mechanic's shop and if she needed anything, I could call him. I told him I would and resounded some the earlier banter about faulty GPS, our similarity in age, and his ability to tell a good story. He asked if he could save MY number in his phone. I told him sure and from that day we chatted off and on every other day or so.
Now this past weekend, I was driving past a garage sale and stopped to look. I found the armoire that I'd been looking for since I moved. It was real oak, lovely and undamaged, and most importantly - cheap. I bought it the next day and all I had to do was find a a truck and a couple of strong backs to move it to my house. This conundrum should be in the Guiness Book of World Records as the make or break question to many a friendship. I went through my entire contact list, starting with the boys in the yard. Only the new tow truck guy dropped what he was doing to come and help me. Though, to be fair, the other 98% had valid excuses (i.e. being out of town, having the kids for the weekend, etc.). My BGF, who recently decided that we were friends again, merely texted me "Sorry. Busy." Now, this man has way less of a life than I do and has more freedom to decide his fate than most men his age. I took it as a snub and conjured all my abilities to make his life miserable in the days to come.
But back to the story - my sister and I got the armoire out of the back of her SUV and onto the sidewalk. Tow Truck Guy showed up on cue and with gloves in hand, took over the situation and laid out a 3 person plan to get this heavy piece of furniture up the many flights of stairs to my home. Just then, a dude comes sauntering down the street and says: "That looks heavy. Need some help?" I thought he was joking or homeless until he mentioned he had a dolly in his truck. He disappeared. Several minutes later another guy came up to us and said: "That looks heavy. Need some help?" I was starting to think this was a new episode of "Punk'd" until he hollered at the previous guy who now was headed towards us with a dolly. In a matter of literal minutes, they had my armoire in my living room. I thanked them like they were gods from the sky, my sister tipped them generously, and the Tow Truck Guy hi-fived them like they'd all planned to help me weeks before and it came off without a hitch.
My point is, I've never had my point of view and attitude changed so fast by people I didn't know. Previously, I was a little disappointed in people - as I went through my contacts and found out of 250 of my closest friends, not one of them was available to help me without notice. Only the new guy was willing and happy. And then strangers ended up helping - without notice. I decided I was wrong about people (not by BGF - just people) and if my attitude could change that fast, when I helped others that weren't expecting it - it most likely had the same effect.
That was a good day.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
And the Beat Goes ON...
Ok, back to the grind. I'm promoting my first romance novel (IKR? Bleh! https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/145171 ) and it is more exhausting than I imagined but worth it. People love LOVE...I love the initial high of love but not the clean up...Anyway, since whoever is watching is the only person that hears me talk in my own private padded room of blog, I can say what I really feel. Yeah!!!
A couple of things, I guess: Here we go...
1) Evil Villian of the Past got to me this past weekend and I'm reeling from the attack. He said all the right things but we're no more BFFs than we were a month ago. I don't know what to say or how to act. My cougar tendencies are trying to come out like the Hulk and make it all nice and neat. I just want to tell him: "Yeah, thanks for the nice evening. It was cool hanging out with you but you don't really have to talk to me anymore." I don't know if that's the right thing either. I haven't felt this undecided since 2 for 1 day at Gigi's Cupcakes...
2) I had to be a social butterfly for 2 weeks straight and it exhausted me so I escaped for the weekend to tour around Florida and it was awesome. I hung out with my Mom (who is her own reality show so that was really fun) and visited for a full day with an old friend and his family. He is still awesome and somehow managed to find an equally awesome woman to mate and share his life with. I love, love, love their kid and had a great time. Finally, hit up Jacksonville and picked up a co-worker/college roomie on the way home - good times had by all (though I wanted to punch her gay-husband in the face but I feel better now).
3) I am having a hard time with my emotional balancing as of late. True, I've had a few ringers thrown at me (the elbow rubbing and the constant grinning show face to promote my book and have people do things for me is sucking the life out of my soul, the breast cancer checkup this past Monday which turned out good - still benign!, taking over my Mom's bills when she thinks like a Kardashian = stress, getting physically close to an old school mate who still (! - 10 years later) has a crush on me - how do I NOT feel like a prize after hanging out?) but I am not completely off course like I would've been in the past. I just know my feelings are on my sleeve this week (I was bawling at my WW meeting - WTH?) So, I'm trying to make a concerted effort to avoid the Bad Boys of Audra's World (newbie Captain Crush and one of the last 2 winter BF's) because in this state I do nothing but make bad decisions...help!
4) Meeting cool people though. I've met a fellow blogger www.maggielea.blogspot.com/Cached who lives in my complex and I'm really excited about her blog and will be following religiously...I've met several writers at my job and we've decided to make a writer's club of sorts since we're all there 8+ hours a day...Fado's in Atlanta is becoming my (very expensive) new hangout but I have to admit they bring the soul of Ireland to Atlanta - friendly folks and they make you feel like you're supposed to be there...
5) Went out with a 52 year old 2 weeks ago and I've set a new bar - NOONE OVER 35! That is a whole other story since this post is getting too long for me to edit without losing interest.
So that's it ya'll - I'm back on the horse and all 2 of you should be hearing a lot more from me lately (if there are that many :-)
A couple of things, I guess: Here we go...
1) Evil Villian of the Past got to me this past weekend and I'm reeling from the attack. He said all the right things but we're no more BFFs than we were a month ago. I don't know what to say or how to act. My cougar tendencies are trying to come out like the Hulk and make it all nice and neat. I just want to tell him: "Yeah, thanks for the nice evening. It was cool hanging out with you but you don't really have to talk to me anymore." I don't know if that's the right thing either. I haven't felt this undecided since 2 for 1 day at Gigi's Cupcakes...
2) I had to be a social butterfly for 2 weeks straight and it exhausted me so I escaped for the weekend to tour around Florida and it was awesome. I hung out with my Mom (who is her own reality show so that was really fun) and visited for a full day with an old friend and his family. He is still awesome and somehow managed to find an equally awesome woman to mate and share his life with. I love, love, love their kid and had a great time. Finally, hit up Jacksonville and picked up a co-worker/college roomie on the way home - good times had by all (though I wanted to punch her gay-husband in the face but I feel better now).
3) I am having a hard time with my emotional balancing as of late. True, I've had a few ringers thrown at me (the elbow rubbing and the constant grinning show face to promote my book and have people do things for me is sucking the life out of my soul, the breast cancer checkup this past Monday which turned out good - still benign!, taking over my Mom's bills when she thinks like a Kardashian = stress, getting physically close to an old school mate who still (! - 10 years later) has a crush on me - how do I NOT feel like a prize after hanging out?) but I am not completely off course like I would've been in the past. I just know my feelings are on my sleeve this week (I was bawling at my WW meeting - WTH?) So, I'm trying to make a concerted effort to avoid the Bad Boys of Audra's World (newbie Captain Crush and one of the last 2 winter BF's) because in this state I do nothing but make bad decisions...help!
4) Meeting cool people though. I've met a fellow blogger www.maggielea.blogspot.com/Cached who lives in my complex and I'm really excited about her blog and will be following religiously...I've met several writers at my job and we've decided to make a writer's club of sorts since we're all there 8+ hours a day...Fado's in Atlanta is becoming my (very expensive) new hangout but I have to admit they bring the soul of Ireland to Atlanta - friendly folks and they make you feel like you're supposed to be there...
5) Went out with a 52 year old 2 weeks ago and I've set a new bar - NOONE OVER 35! That is a whole other story since this post is getting too long for me to edit without losing interest.
So that's it ya'll - I'm back on the horse and all 2 of you should be hearing a lot more from me lately (if there are that many :-)
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