Winter is upon us...

Well, winter is upon us once again.  33 degrees this morning and so crisp you can barely remember summer anymore.  Where's my jacket, where's my scarf, where's that...boy?

New board, new players this year - that's the theme.  I think I'm going to sit this year out, for the most part.  My BGF went AWOL and is in a mental hospital in Milan so, dare say, I wouldn't be able to get insider support from him.  The boys left over from last year are cool but frankly, I'm not interested in them.  There is a number one villian who is still monologuing about "how much he will have me, one day when we're together, I am the one for him" but my guess is that he will lose interest sooner than later and my yard will be nice and neat again.

Soooo...let's see what you girls (guys too) can do this winter.  It's only a 3 month stint, and there are 2 shifts (it gets colder in some places of the country sooner than others).  October - December or January - March.  Tell me what you're working with this year and I will post the stories (don't worry, I won't tell everyone its you) as my alter ego - Vanessa.  So whatever Winter Boyfriend Experiment you are dealing with, Vanessa will let the world know how "her" life turned out with that experiment.  I will throw some of my own drama in there too, if that makes you feel better.

Meanwhile, I will fill you in on the loss of my BGF and how I feel as confused as a girl dumped on Prom Night.  And for those who still crave Winter BFX from lil' ol' me this year...I have a juicy story about a marriage license and $150,000 bet for next time...

Game change...

Ok, boys and girls, the game has apparently changed and I've gone from star player to fumbling idiot.  Much has changed in the last 6 months but I'm sure you're not interested in the minor details.  There's a boy in the yard who won't leave.  He's older than me, conservative, and much too laid back for my taste.  But he has these flaming missiles that never miss. He's been achingly romantic, fatherly stern, Heathcliffly standoffish - all on my Kryptonite list.  I've actually regained some of my superpowers with this one and have played the game well - no regret, no mistakes.  Why, oh why, would he ask me the Achilles heel question today, then?  Honestly, folks, I'm at a severe loss for words and feel like my programming has been thoroughly interrupted. 

Been seeing him for a short while and it's like we've known each other forever.  I don't mean that in a teenager-swoon happiness sort of way, I mean it in the actual "known each other too long" kind of way.  Only thing left on the agenda is to learn each other tell tale signs and facial expressions and to have a real fight.  He pushes me in a mature way I can't seem to mentally negotiate.  He observes me and tells me what he sees.  He supports me and tells me where I need to be stronger.  He looks for support from me but refuses to use me as a crutch.  I hate him.  I have a feeling that I will be caught in his vortex longer than I'd hoped.

He called me six times yesterday but I was watching a movie and had decided to put some distance between us.  He didn't even bring it up today.  Instead, after 3 conversations, he calls and asks me if I would like to marry him in January.  If I won't do that, would I mind moving in with him?  WTH - is you crazy?

This is unprecedented, ya'll.  My record from "hello" to "proposal" is a few months more than this has been going on so this is just weird to me.  He is a man's man - lumberjack, no-cry, heterosexual, forest survivor man.  There's no play with him.  It is what it is.  He didn't want to ask me - he called and told me he wanted to ask me something, then said, "Nevermind.  I won't ask that." several times before I acted like I didn't care enough and he asked.  He was serious. 

I don't know how to deal with a man on a mission that by his track record, he has no problem accomplishing.  I don't want to be married but I miss being someone's - if that makes any sense.  Not that I would marry him but I talked him down to a Jamaica vacation in January that he's very excited about.  Lord, help me...

Squirrely time...

Well, its official.  The yard is officially cleaned out.  Both BF#7 and BF#1 are on the outs and I feel quite myself again in the world.  I was doing really well, calling up my girls, hanging out and gabbing up the night.  I started drawing again and have two new projects I'm working on .  I am "Single Woman" - hear me roar!

Until yesterday...

Loneliness never announces its showing up.  You open your door, birds singing, butterflies everywhere, sun shining, and its sitting next to your car, like a homeless man who knows where you live.  I controlled my thoughts and it went away, until I went to Ikea and saw way too many people holding hands and shopping for cheap furniture together.  I walked out feeling like I hadn't achieved even what the four gay men I saw choosing kitchen faucets had achieved - I had noone in the world to laugh at my corny comments and go shopping on a Thursday night with.  I still wasn't moved enough to try to change my situation but went to the music store (working on a new project) and that wasn't a good experience either.  Feeling forlorn, fat, and rejected, I headed to the gas station to get gas before I went to the mother of all couple havens - the grocery store. 

He was getting gas on the other side of the pump but I was sinking deeper into my haze so I didn't even look at him until he got in his 2011 Sage colored Dodge Charger.  It sounded like a man when he cranked it up.  I looked at the driver - clean cut, older, reasonable looking.  He said hi, I said hi.  He said hi again and I smirked, said hello.  He asked how I was and I said good, as I reached for the window squeegee.  He said hello again and the guy behind him honked.  "I think they want gas." I said and headed back to my car smiling.  He pulled in front of it.  "Do you mind if I get your number?  I sure would like to call you later." he said, looking way more excited than a grown man should look. "For what?" was on my lips but then I caught a glimpse of that homeless man sitting next to my car and I said, "Um, ok."  I stopped a few feet away from his car.  "Wait.  Are you married?" He smiled - "No."  I wasn't sure.  "Are you sure you're not married, separated, in a relationship, on the down low, any of the above?"  He laughed and held his hands up to show no ring on either hand.  "I am not any of the above." I moved closer, then stopped.  "Do you have a ton of children, a few baby-mama's in the area, what?"  He smiled again.  "I do have children but they live out of town." 

Needless to say, the yard's gate is broken.  Somehow boys keep wandering in. Same thing happened at Wal-Mart yesterday.  I have to fix the gate somehow but finding it hard to pick up the tools to get it done. 

Someone told me that the few last weeks of summer are like the first few weeks of Spring for men.  They get "squirrely" looking for fresh meat and get a little into a frenzy.  This is my first time experiencing that.  It would be great if I was still in the same mindset that I was last December.  I am enjoying the attention though.  I exerting my independence (I went and had dinner at TGIF by my lonesome this evening and sat near the bar - 2 guys kept trying to catch my eye and one even smiled but I am on vacation) and it feels pretty good.  We'll see how long it lasts when it starts getting cold...

A Side Note: Personal (but had to share)

Ok...if you don't want to read about girly issues...stop now.  I just wanted to share yet one more thing apparently no one is talking about (enough).  To set up: I have chronic anemia. The kind that requires iron infusions up to 3 times a year so I can walk around.  The culprit - my cycle.  So, since I'm closer to menopause than college, my doctor took me into a lovely book filled room, put on her dark glasses and asked me if I wanted the "Red Pill or the Blue Pill" and explained the results of both.  The "Red Pill" was hormonal tampering birth control which years ago had turned me into a raging bull and I was not a fan of.  But I got to keep all my insides and they wouldn't come near me with a needle.  The "Blue Pill" was something different than the infamous hysterectomy - they took out the lining of your uterus, left everything intact and working like normal - just no red parade every month.

I paused.

I took the "Red Pill" simply because I'd researched it already.  Unlike Neo, I could come back and take the other one whenever I wanted. 2 weeks on the patch and I had a rash up the entire right side of my body, a constant headache and a messed up cycle (which is lot like the movie Alien - something struggling inside to get out by any means necessary).  I went back for the "Blue Pill".  Dr. Morpheus held it back a second: "If you choose this one, you can never have children, you can never go back."  I thought about it - hmmm...no kids?  I get to live my life just as I've been living it?  I'm too old to have kids, I'm not married and don't plan on it, and I don't like kids (as a rule)...so I grabbed it.

So far, so good.  Don't remember Friday (day of the surgery), nauseau on Sunday and normal pre-cycle activity so far.  Will keep you girls posted...I know there are a LOT of girls suffering without a purpose.  We perpetually freedom chicks (non-breeders) need to stick together! (Sorry, boys, but I did warn you to stop reading in the beginning...)

June 28 is too long ago...

It's August.  I've been on "vacation".  No boys in the yard (maybe a sporadic 1) but I'm good.  As a Gold Medal Single Woman, I have adopted another baby (dog) and am getting used to being a mother of two.  It's fun (for the last 2 days) and I think I really like being a mom that delegates her love (mwahhahahaah!)

Not trying to be funny and no, this has nothing (really) to do with boys. Well, I take that back.  I am trying to learn to be content and not get caught up in the "Drama of the Boy" that happens when you think you're being chased by the opposite sex.  It's hard (cuz you boys know you spoil us with a word sometimes) but I'm getting it done because I'm used to this kind of life.  I'm getting more relaxed by the day.  But I do have a mature gentleman that won't leave the yard.  He was at first full of accomplished pride and rubbed me the wrong way but is slowly, if anything, earning my respect with his insight.  He's turning out cool.  Imagine that. I think men know that consistency is like a woman's Kryptonite.  Doesn't matter what he does...if he's consistent, we are on board, regardless if we want to or not.

Anyways, he's the subject of many internal town meetings within myself and the question on the chopping block is why he's still here...will work it out. 

On a lighter (kinda) note, I have a new baby.  My eternally selfish, mini-me was preparing to launch herself into Marvel/DC worthy kind of depression because she'd be living away from her cousins when I moved and I was seriously thinking about launching a preemitive strike and getting her a friend/sister to hang out with when we move to the new place.  So, through a series of strange coincidences (not really), I have a small, hairy child called Raven (renaming Regine) that I'm discovering the joys/pains about.  I have to comb hair.  Sorry that that is the main issue at the moment, but she's a wonderful dog with a former wonderful owner and doesn't give me any actual trouble.  But my oldest girl is short hair, tom-boyish and a great guard dog.  I'm not used to pretty.  Raven is good about it (no growling or threatening) but combing her hair is like having a child with a lot of nappy hair.  She feels like a job when I have to do that.  So I'm trying to wrap my head around how to go about keeping her pretty without doing it myself.  Ugh.

Into the sunset

Now, I am not infallible and have lovely moments of weakness that I like to say make me a woman of the highest order.  I like to feel desirable, irresistible, and damsel in distress worthy.

One weekend I got a little insecure and thought he was losing interest in our deal (i.e. me) and frankly feeling like this situation could turn into more. I called him later in the night and with a little liquid courage, spilled my guts and feelings all over the place – even the ones that didn’t make sense.  He talked me back to reality, explaining how he was not going to mess up a budding real relationship with a smart, beautiful woman that could actually help him in his life.  He reminded me that I’d told him no sex and though he asked all the time that that rule be taken off the table, he respected it and me and knew sex right now would not help either of us.  I was floored with his candor and honesty.  Slowly I regained my sanity (not helped by my monthly hormonal imbalance) and marveled at how someone with a reputation for being impulsive and horny could take the highroad in a situation that catered to his base character.  He was quite proud of himself and told me that part of it was due to me giving him a chance. “I can hardly believe it.” I mentioned.  “Most guys I’ve been out in my life would take advantage of me immediately.”   “And yet,” he said, “I’ve been here the whole time. You just never noticed me.”

The month flew by and we had loads of fun (though he didn’t learn much design but I did get my car pimped out).  After the month was over, I told him our contract was done and he asked what the summer looked like.  I joked that I was taking vacation and that he was definitely on the roster for next year.  We decided to play the summer as the friends we’d never taken the time to be.  He was still rebounding from his ex-girlfriend and we talked about that plenty.  Eventually, he got back with her but we still hung out periodically. 

All in all, I was well pleased with my experiment.  As I entered “vacation mode”, I came across BF#6 who has been a very pleasant addition to my summer and BF#7 who is also making the summer exciting without too much work.

Next post: What I learned…

Season Finale - #5

I couldn’t get back to my world as easily as I’d thought I’d be able to.  Men still approached me and talked.  I looked like a battered wife or at least near homeless.  And I was rude since I felt like I was “off-duty”.  A few guys got my number but one, I never answered when he called because I’d forgotten I’d given him my number and didn’t recognize it.  Another, I’m pretty sure I gave him a card with the wrong number on it.  It went like that for weeks.  My girls and Adam asked what the stalling was all about.  “I’m tired.” Was my reply.  And I was.

If I could find a guy I already knew, someone that didn’t require too much introductory work and that knew how to explore without being too pessimistic, I’d be happy.

Little did I know, I was going to get my wish.

My car broke. My sweet little pony up and died (several times) and no one knew how to fix her.  The Midas shop I’d taken her to as a last resort had told me there was nothing wrong with her but the next morning, she didn’t start as I’d feared.  I needed a specialist, a genius, a hero.  I only knew one and as long as I'd known him, having dealings with him was like going into the badlands with no money and a bikini on and hoping for the best.

I felt adequately desperate and begged my brother to ask his crazy, man-whore, bad-boy of a former best friend (the genius mechanic) to come look at my car.  He did and after a few days, diagnosed the problem and went completely out of his way to come over and finish up fixing it.  My brother couldn’t make it the second time so we had to spend that repair time alone together.  I talked him up like I did all the men I’d come across during the past 3 months even though I’d known him over 4 years.  He was never the shy one and could talk a deaf man to death.  Besides his constant cussing, he was actually funny and kept up his bad boy image with constant references to my breasts.  After he finished my car (my brother had told me not to pay him – he owed him more than my repair covered), I told him I’d like to treat him to dinner, which as I explained meant that he got to take me to dinner but had to pay for everything and be a gentleman.  I was fishing and he took the bait.

Over dinner, I explained my plan for the winter and that I had one month to go and was looking for a little variety in my repertoire.  He was white, had a renowned reputation but we obviously had the same interests and could help each other out.  He had recently had his girlfriend leave him and was well on the rebound and lonely and I was trying to finish out my plan with finesse.  He wanted to learn graphic design and I needed a personal doctor for my Miata.  And we were both excitement junkies and ADD when it came to relationships.  He loved the plan and we agreed to the terms.  No sex, cool places and dates for the weekend and we’d learn from each other.  He was fully on board and asked if he could sign up for the summer too. 

The next weekend, we went out on the town and did Fernbank, Front Page News, and Cabbagetown.  He introduced me as his fiancé, hugged me often and talked a mile a minute.  We laughed continuously and it was like we’d been friends all the time but just now admitted it. 

The next day, he made dinner at his house, made me a foot bath and gave me foot massage, and we rented a movie to watch on his 100 inch tv screen in his media room.  We ended the night with him playing video games on the computer while I gave him a back rub.

We found we literally had the same interests.  I collected toys and had a serious thing for Batman.  He also collected toys and had a Batmobile he’d had since he was a child.  We tested each other on music from our favorite sci-fi movies, which he knew my favorite.  He was brilliant with computers, with mechanics, with anything that he could put his hands on.  He had no follow through which he seemed to find fascinating in me.  He flirted openly and in the same conversation where we discussed the strongest Marvel character, we discussed sexual preferences and positions, last boyfriends/girlfriends, what we couldn’t wait to discover about each other and how our being actual friends was the strangest thing.  It was refreshing.

Cougar Wings

He called the next day and chatted me up, complimenting me on everything from my dress to my skills with my Wacom tablet.  I didn’t even have to ask him many questions.  He voluntarily spoke heavily about himself and it took up most of our conversation.  He did want to know how old I was and I dodged the question in a ladylike manner.  He was 25 with two children and the aspirations of an astronaut.  I nearly laughed out loud.  He promised his last girlfriend was 35 and that he was used to “older women”.  I knew I could never take him seriously, besides his optimistic attitude was exhausting.  But I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get my Cougar wings in going out with a 25 year old.  I’d just turned 40 and was looking for a little excitement added to the mix.  How cool would it be if one of my 3 was 25 years old?  That would put a whole new spin on the plan.  I did not realize how my approach would have to be tailored to this new breed of man.

He called nearly every day and finally “set up” a night out, which would begin at the coffee shop where we’d met.  By the time that day rolled around, I’d forgotten and he called me the next day and asked if we’d missed a date.  I apologized and rebooked the outing.  But (I was about to get schooled on going out with children) when that day came up, no confirmation call and when I called the phone was disconnected.  Figured.  3 weeks later, he called and apologized and explained his drama filled situation.  I blew it off (I was actually no more interested in seeing him as I was in seeing a show at 6 Flags – it was just something you did to pass the time).  He spoke at length about some of his motion graphic gigs and a movie he wanted to shoot.  I listened, looked up his stuff and let him see some of my work.  He again promised we’d get together.

By this time, I’d grown tired of the show and BF#3 and BF#1 kept me plenty occupied.  So the morning calls with his extensive discussions about himself and his plans with the random question or two about how to do something thrown in, were getting old.  After a couple more weeks, I stopped answering.  Imagine my surprise when the phone number changed and I was once again on the morning chat list.

That’s all there was to that, folks.  He could never get his situation together and I had smelled BS the second time I’d spoken to him.  By this time I was swimming in it every phone call and I racked it up to at least taking my Cougar test – I just didn’t finish.

What I did learn though was that “talking to” a younger man was exhausting.  He spoke with an energy that I wasn’t used to.  It was uncertain but relentlessly hopeful.  He had the energy to keep at something even though it wasn’t working well because he just knew it would change.  Though I was young at heart, I’d come to accept certain things and knew to pick my battles.  I was eager still and rambunctious but I was pretty clear of my limit and knew when to stop (kind of).  It was a bit invigorating to hear his artistic aspirations – it made me think back to my college days when I just knew I could conquer the world.  But, I had already made my mark and I was happy with it so he couldn’t talk me into going out on any more limbs.  Oh well, good for me.

Here’s where the game changes, ya’ll. 

I mentioned at the outset that this was not my life previously.  I’d never been homecoming queen or Miss Popular in school.  I’d never had a boyfriend every year of my life since I turned 15.  I was the bookworm, the weird girl, and quite frankly, the fat ugly chick in a lot of my contemporaries lives.  So with this newfound popularity and keeping up the conquest – after this BF#4 situation – I was physically and mentally exhausted. 

It took a lot of time to psych myself up to go “shopping”.  It took time and effort to dress like I wanted to be approached, to always have something ready to say, to be ready to hold conversations and remember things men said.  I was very good at blending into the woodwork and to take a break, I decided to dress in my house clothes/pjs that I’d always dressed in and actually go to my coffee shop to relax and work on some of my personal projects that had fallen by the wayside since I’d begun my quest.

BF#4 - The Cougar Qualifier

I’d gone to dinner with Adam for our monthly outing in the middle of the week.  I still looked good after dinner so went to my local coffee shop to work on a website and see what the world looked like on a Thursday night.  My coffee shop held chess tournaments for the locals on Thursday night and apparently was the local hangout for men to get away from their wives.  So I walked in and immediately two septuagenarians hit on me.  They would have been super sexy in the 80’s.  One was a former body guard and the other a former Marine.  I smiled to myself a little at the kind of men I attracted even though they’d been retired forever.  I’d always been a good listener and asked a lot of questions (which they loved) so this prompted them to talk and talk.  One commented I was the strange yet beautiful woman that didn’t do most of the talking.  They loved it.  I loved it.  I like to hear how other people think and what they’ve done with their lives.  These two has accomplished a lot and if their bodies hadn’t given up on them, they would still be the action heroes they described themselves as.  As I chatted with them off and on, the place filled up with a younger mixed crowd who set up chess boards throughout the store. 

Side note:  One thing about older men (that I’ve found) is that they ask questions.  It seems the younger a man gets, the less questions he asks of a girl – unless he has a specific motive in mind (to get her to talk about something he wants to talk about, to get her number, to get in her pants, etc.).  Some older men seem to be able to ask questions just to hear what your answer will be.  They seem to genuinely be able to convey the persona of someone interested in what you have to say, even if they aren’t.  These two did that.  They also don’t have a problem sitting through silence.  We chatted and then they let me work for a minute without looking uncomfortable or even talking to each other.  It was relaxing – their way of crafting the conversation. 

After awhile, the men decided to leave and the former bodyguard asked me for my number (in case he ever needed a website).  I laughed but I figured it couldn’t hurt so I handed him my card.  Apparently all the men in our immediate company had been listening to our conversation and asked for my card too.  I handed out 10 cards.  As I chatted with the poet, the mobile app salesman, the playwright, the pilot and the motion graphics designer, I got to know the kind of men that hang out on Thursday nights at Starbucks.  It was comforting and I was glad to be one of the three girls in the place and the only on without a date.  Everyone had some kind of graphics work I could do for them in the future which made the impromptu networking event a success.  The designer was the most interested since he’d just arrived from California that week and was looking for a website, which I’d just sworn off doing ever again.  He talked me up for awhile but I noticed that he was very young and loved to talk about his aspirations.  He didn’t need much work to keep engaged.  I flirted with my eyes and tried my best to look interested in everything he said.  He ate it up and swore we’d get together to work on his projects.  He moved on to another chess game.  10 minutes later I got a phone call, answered it and he waved from across the room.  Cute.

BF#3 - The Return Visit

I had attempted this plan (though it was very loosely put together and not thought outwell at all) 6 months earlier on one person I’d met.  I’d been visiting the gym at work and there was a resident personal trainer who hung around.  I was trying to get in shape for a trip and he offered to help.  I took him up on it.  He looked like a wounded linebacker with big brown eyes.  He knew he was good looking which surprised me that he hit on me at times though it was very low key as he tried very hard to not cross the line of being professional.  Though he did talk to every other girl within a 2 foot radius, I was happy to make the cut.

We kind of became friends.  I liked to ask questions and he liked to talk about himself.  He knew a great deal about nutrition and working out and I needed the sure direction.  My only deal with him was that he loved himself so much he didn’t understand why you would ever want to talk about yourself.  He constantly wanted the attention and never once asked me a question about myself.  It was fine with it for a time – I like the attention I got when I was with him.  People stared and I felt like I was part of the cutesy crowd that I cursed at all the time.

Eventually, he got another job and kept in touch with me, periodically.  Finally enough time had passed that I suggested we get together to catch up.  I told him he could take me to brunch which he accepted.  I was happy to get brunch at my favorite place on a Sunday.  I was happy I didn’t have to pay for it and for the compliments on my looks.  Only as he walked me to my car did I realize the actual transactions that occurred on these little dates I set up.  On the way to the car, his hand kept finding my waist.  At the car, he hung around as I put my stuff inside.  He wanted to hug, to cuddle (which actually wasn’t that bad since he was built like a wrestler and smelled like chocolate).  He told me I was beautiful, I was wonderful, I was great to see again.  How he missed me, how he wanted to kiss me.  I literally said, “Oh yeah, that’s right. You bought me breakfast.” And let him kiss me.  He was too much into himself to notice how degrading that was.  But I felt a little degraded.  But in the end, I guess he became BF#3 since he always had something sweet to say, though it was usually corny.  I treated him with kid gloves because I had a feeling he had a bit of a temper – nothing scary, but just something to avoid.  I never put too much into being with him and he never came off his golden stallion of an ego to make the effort to be with me on a real level.  It worked out for the Winter, though.  I never paid for anything when I was with him.  I just had to listen to him talk, which was a lot easier than I thought.

The story...

It was easy, now that I look back, and I smiled and played well.  He waved me down and I rolled down the window and asked if everything was alright with my car.  He smiled (he was pretty good looking-like a black George Clooney) and corrected me.  He “just couldn’t let a beautiful woman pass him by”.  Nice.  I “noticed” he worked for Delta and he talked about what he did there and then asked if I was interested in getting together sometime.

Side note:  I’ve got to put together a section about aggressiveness and men.  Sometimes it is so sexy, sometimes a bit scary…

Anyway, exchanged phone numbers via my card and went on my happy little way to the mall (which turned out to be a bust – I’d met my quota already).  He called later that day and we chatted and decided to do the coffee shop/bookstore thing to get to know each other. 

He was decent enough in the beginning.  Being around my age, he didn’t mince words too much.  He’d been married and had children and just cut to the chase.  He wanted a girlfriend, maybe wife, because that was what he was used to.  I told him my plan and he seemed hesitant.  But then a few days later he called and asked me to a movie.  He liked to call every day (which I asked him not to and he seemed to get offended about) but we eventually went to see a popular action flick and everything seemed like it would go well. 

Here’s the craziness that ensued in a nutshell because I’m fairly positive every woman has gone through something similar with a schizophrenic man:

• Meet at the movies – he walks ahead of me like he’s Muslim
• Can’t decide where to sit and when I pick, doesn’t like it.  We play musical chairs as the previews come on
• Doesn’t say much until the movie starts, then tries to hold regular conversation (not even about the movie)
• After the movie’s over, walks out ahead of me.
• I catch up with him in the parking lot “My car’s over there” I say, pointing in the opposite direction.

Ok.  Here’s where it gets even weirder.  I’d already decided this was a no-go but at my car, he turns to me and says: “Well, I like you but I’m not gonna chase you.”  I give him a hug, tell him thank-you for the movie and promise to call him later (not) and we part ways. 

My ’comic book nerd’ kicks in in the car and I realize I don’t know if he’s former Black Ops or retired psychopath so I decide to drive around downtown in case he follows me.  He does the next best thing.  He calls me.  After my “Hello?”, I say nothing for 20 straight minutes (I looked at the clock) while he rants and raves about how I’m distant and won’t let him in.  He wanted to hold me in the movies (it was a Jason Statham flick not Steel Magnolias) but apparently I wouldn’t let him (didn’t know), I won’t open up to him and seem stand-offish.  Buddy, this is technically our first date!  Can I get to know you first before I promise to have your babies?  He went on and on about the things he saw that were wrong with me and then asked me if I was going to say anything.  I asked if I was allowed to talk and he said yes.  I mentioned that I had no idea where any of this was coming from and he launched into what he thought of today’s modern woman.  Finally, he said “If you don’t want to be with me, just tell me!  I can take it!”  I said: “I don’t think I want to be with you.” Dryly and bewildered.  “Why not!?” came the reply.  I sighed.  I’m pretty good at diffusing drama and emotion – I have a very volatile mother.  “Well, it seems like I’m a different kind of woman that you’re used to and perhaps…” this sentence just induced another 10 minutes of unintelligible banter about how the sexes get along.  Finally, after he seemed to have said all he wanted to, I decided that perhaps it wasn’t in my best interests to try to get him to see my point of view.  I said: “Well, how about this?  If you’re ever doing something fun, why don’t you give me a call and we can go have fun together?”  He agreed that sounded like a good idea after a long night and hung up.

I was blown away and a bit shaken.  I had to call one of my GF’s to talk me down and get me home because I was just out of it.  Never have I been yelled at by a man – not my husband, not my Daddy but this guy did it without provocation and motive.  And he didn’t make a bit of sense.  It scared me and I thought it might be best to abandon the entire experiment.  That is until an old acquaintance showed up….

A Side Note...

Ok, this is completely off the cuff and has not been reviewed or rewritten (by me)....it's 1:57 on a Sunday morning and I've had the best BF revisited day so far.  The only boys in the yard at this time are (not really) BF#1 and Season Finale BF#6 who is on the severe rebound  from a bad break with a married woman.  So today was a bit awesome in that I don't regularly converse with any of the BFs (even #1 has gotten sparse as reality has set it).  But BF#1 promised me a new radio years (4 months) ago and came through with flying colors today (woohoo! sound is awesome in my mini car!) even though it took him 2.5 hourse instead of 20 minutes.  ("You have nothing to apologize for, sweetie" when I said I was sorry my car was making him late) - love it.  Season Finale has been calling and since I am technically still "A Friend", I get to hear all the gory details of the break, which doesn't bother me - I'm in chill mode so its fun.  8:30pm I get a call and its "Please tell me you're not busy tonight.  Wanna do something? I don't care what."  and I'm out on the town in a 2010 BMW with a cool guy.  Cafe Intermezzo and a walking tour of Atlantic Station later...

BF #2 - The Grenade (and not the Bruno Mars song kind of grenade - the actual grenade)

Technically, he was not my second boyfriend. BF # 3 was but since he was a holdover from a previous experiment, he didn’t really qualify as second.  BF#2 came in second because BF#4 dropped the ball and on the rebound of not finding myself with just one love interest (and a developing one at that), I went shopping for someone else.  (It will all make sense later.)

I’d decided to try somewhere different that day.  My cozy/safe places were the coffee shop and the bookstore but I was feeling very cute and confident and it was pretty outside and I needed clothes, so I settled on seeing what I could find at the mall.  It was a stretch for me – the last time I’d been to the mall was when my mother had come up for vacation two years previously.  I hated it mostly because I didn’t care to shop for clothes and secondly, it was a haven for children in their last stages before adulthood.

Fortunately, before I could come to my senses and abort my plan, I had to get gas.  The gas station can always be a quick check to see if you’re as sexy as you think you are.  Sure enough, as I got out of the car, a guy in beat up Honda was coming back to his car from paying inside.  Paying inside meant he only had cash and his beat up Honda said to me that he didn’t have much of that but he was built like a basketball star and I like them tall.  He was probably married with 5 kids but I just needed to know if my game face was on.  It was.  He locked eyes with me and got into his car and drove slowly by.  I smiled to myself.

Next up, a not so “family” van pulled up next to me and a guy jumped out to pump his gas.  By that time, my confidence was at full capacity and I got in the car to go bring the rain at the mall. 

But something caught my eye.  A “Delta” badge on the guys overalls he was wearing and I went into stalker mode.  I’m a Delta junkie, or any airline for that matter.  I like to travel and I’ve used the precious and rare “Buddy Passes” in the past and they are highly coveted since I don’t actually have any family that works for an airline.  He literally tripped over his overalls (which he was removing, since he’d just gotten off work) trying to catch me before I drove off.  I wasn’t gonna drive off…

A Side Note...

Sometimes (well a lot, when I listen) I come across some wisdom from people that you would never think had it like you.  I was home sick last Friday and had to watch TV (the only time I do) which means I was at the mercy of whatever was being broadcast.  Fortunately, there's RTV (Retro Television) and an old episode of Voyagers! was on where Phineas Bogg and Jeffrey were on the Titanic with Molly Brown.  Later, I looked up the life of the "Unsinkable Molly Brown" who's name was actually Margaret. She had an interesting life. Grew up poor but seemed a little more in tune with life as we know it than most people you read about from that time.  What got me though, was what she said about her choice and mindset behind getting married in 1854.  It was profound.  Here's what she said:

"I wanted a rich man, but I loved Jim Brown. I thought about how I wanted comfort for my father and how I had determined to stay single until a man presented himself who could give to the tired old man the things I longed for him. Jim was as poor as we were, and had no better chance in life. I struggled hard with myself in those days. I loved Jim, but he was poor. Finally, I decided that I'd be better off with a poor man whom I loved than with a wealthy one whose money had attracted me. So I married Jim Brown."

Now, of course, this is from wikipedia (who you're not supposed to trust but I do sometimes and in this particular instance).  But the fact that she "struggled hard with" herself in 1854 - a time where you figured women didn't have much say so or opinion about their choices to build a life with someone.  I assumed it would be a no-brainer.  But she felt like most women today when you have a choice between someone you like/love and what you want out of life.  They had a good life together, it seems.  It turned out that he made mega-bucks eventually so I'm sure she was glad she loved him first.

Just thought I'd throw that out there.  Sometimes we hold off really loving someone because we think we can do better.  I guess it can work out for the best if you just jump in too.

It is completely unexpected to find someone that you don’t have to work hard at being with, that you clique with, that you just know you can be friends with forever (yes, I know that sounds 3^rd grade but so what).  We stared at each other after dinner for a long time as if our minds were trying to understand how come we hadn’t known each other already.  Leaving the restaurant, we had a quick hug and we ran in opposite directions to our cars through the rain.  That night on Facebook, I simply put “Uh-oh”.

We talked and have talked nearly every day since that night.   The first boyfriend experiment was a great success and a great failure at the same time. 

It was a great success in that my confidence went through the roof.  It was now “easy” to attract people.  I flirted openly and confidently.  I knew I was wanted and desired, so I figured I’d get my three “Winter BFs" in record time.

It was a great failure in that our growing friendship read like an Emily Bronte story.  We could never be more than friends (we both knew it and there were other factors to be considered).  He had issues he was dealing with and I was beginning to catch feelings (which was NOT my objective and would mess up my plan) so we work on not getting closer every day.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but really, it works out for the best.  He turned out to be another ace up my sleeve in helping me gain my actual Winter BFs. 

So with my guns loaded and confidence at full power – I went out into the real world to get my 1^st one.

BF #1: "Place to Meet" and "Conversation"

I wanted to meet somewhere I was comfortable but also have options.

I met him at 2 of my favorite spots, in case he liked one over the other – I wouldn’t be disappointed.  Eclipse De Luna is a nice little spot that offers good tapas and light salsa dancing. I love it.  When we met up, I found that he didn’t care for Mexican food or dancing and the wait was nearly an hour, so we headed to the intimate coffee spot (Cafe Intermezzo)  I’d picked as my second up the street.  He wasn’t a great fan of coffee but seemed to like the quieter atmosphere so I knew I was going to get to practice my conversation.  

I was nervous, had fretted over my outfit – didn’t want to be sexy, flirty (since he was not a true target and this was a test) but didn’t want to look dumpy and out of practice either.  I had decided on a short blue dress, blue tights and my comfy boots and a sweater.  I was fully covered yet the dress was short enough to show my legs and my curvy butt but not much more. 

We sat down and I started with my list of questions I’d picked for the evening conversation.

I had thought long and hard over this part too.  I am not a natural conversationalist.  I forget key details when I get nervous, even about something that I know about pretty well.  So I had groomed many of my questions from watching kiddie shows.  There were usually songs about becoming friends and getting to know people.  So the key ones were: 

1. Where was he from, 
2.  what was his favorite place in the area, 
3.  what did he like most, 
4.  what did he hate most. 

Those four would usually get anyone talking a lot and I’d accomplish two things: I learn a lot about the person and they’d leave the conversation thinking I was great because they’d basically talked about themselves the whole time.

After an hour, the conversation seemed to be more than easy and after 3 hours, we both sat back with a strange realization that we were more alike than we’d realized.  After 5 hours, the restaurant was closing and we were still talking like we were catching up on old times.  It was uncanny and unnerving – and AWESOME.

BF#1 - The One Liner

He was the guinea pig for my opening line.  I had been trying to come up with a great one liner that would accomplish multiple things.

1.  Let me retain my dignity after being turned down.
2.  Allow the other party an easy way out that wasn’t embarrassing or put him in a position     to have to hurt your feelings if he didn’t want to go any further with you.
3. Allow the other party to take you up on your offer if he so desired with ease and the dignity that a man desired. 

My first subject was a  "frequent meeter" – I saw him often in the elevator where I worked, in the hallways and on the way to my car.  It made for short, consistent conversation.  He wasn’t my type so I decided to try my line on him.

As I finished up our short chat one day, I said, “You know, we always have such great conversation.  If you’re not doing anything later, you should call me.”  We laughed and I turned to leave.  “Um, how can I call you if I don’t have your number?”  I heard him say.  (Now if he wasn’t interested at all, the line left him room to say something like – “I’ll do that.” Or “Yeah, we should.” and then not feel embarrassed when he didn’t).

I gave him my card – it was formal and yet duplicitous.  It didn’t look like a phone number scribbled on a piece of paper and it had my freelance work advertised on it.  Something to keep me in mind with.

The “One Liner” worked out pretty well – it opened up the opportunity to try the rest of my hypothesis. Up next:  the “Place To Meet” and “The Conversation”. 

Experiment Backstory

One of my best guy friends (BGF) – Adam, was most like me: nerdy with a hint of naiveté.  We often conspired artistically so it was easy to have conversation about sensitive things without the embarrassment of never having introduced that slice into the friendship.  When I mentioned during soccer practice one day that I was thinking of dating again, he took his position as sounding board and asked me questions that I needed to answer out loud.  What was I looking for?  Why now?  When I answered that my main objective was warm companionship that would pay for my dinners and entertainment, he jokingly called me a “Dinner-digger” and moved on.  From then on our outings became testing sessions and he was my eyes and ears.  He told me that men did look at me but didn’t approach because I looked “through” them.  He let me know what kind of looks worked and what didn’t.  He picked out certain men to flirt with and let me know what my objectives and standards were.  A stout Buddhist, he surprised me by telling me to pray about it (because of my faith) and assured me that he was there to support me and that I would find a guy that would suit me and not be gay or best friend material.   His sparring paid off in the end.  I grew in confidence and went out all the time open and “available”.  By November, I was tired of practice.  I consciously decided to try some of my newly activated skills on a live subject.

Point is: Every single girl I know has a BGF that she confides in and periodically asks if he has any friends that she would be interested in.  The answer is always no because of various reasons but we can use them for the eyes and ears that they are and the fact that they’re honest with us.  I did and it worked in my favor.

Just in case you wanted to buy one...

Saw this today while discussing with fellow ladies why you can seem to buy a wife and buy children but can't buy a man.  My sis let me know they are in short supply all over the world and that's why the multi-wife statute is in effect.  But this made me laugh and rethink my idea (and look for a better store).

http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/

The Experiment

Winter was coming.  It had come five times before and the same thought had crossed my mind but without action.  I’d gotten really good at surviving the burst of hormonal urges during Spring and Summer was a no-brainer.  I wasn’t used to walking around half naked and didn’t like to be hugged or touched during hot weather.  Fall was my season of reflection and freedom.  It was winter when I thought of being cold, of comfort, when I got needy.  The end of 2011 was the fifth time I'd had to fight those feelings head on and , this time, I decided to do something about it. 

I would get at least three boyfriends for the winter.  Someone to take me out to eat, give me a hug, a kiss and squeeze me a bit during the movies.  That was my objective.  No sex.  No relationship.  No complications. 


I knew I wasn’t built for long term love – I had relationship ADD.  I could fall madly in lust with a person, but I became bored easily and the “relationship” didn’t last long.  That had been my record until my marriage.  Now I was older, starting from literally square one and not in the least interested in getting into a long term, marriage ending situation with a total stranger.  So, since I mostly longed for companionship on an semi-intimate level in the winter, I would get 3 boyfriends for the winter only.  Men didn’t care for long term commitments either so I figured it couldn’t be that hard if I explained my objective up front. 

My BGF (best guy friend)  was sure I wouldn’t be able to pull it off without sex on the table, which I was adamantly against.  I thought I could, if I explained my objective clearly and without deception.  It worked twice (well, technically 3 times) and I failed at it twice.

This is my story of how I did it, how it turned out, and what I learned.  I figure I went from 0 - 60 in 3 months and I KNOW there are a lot of normal women out there who don't believe or want to be the real life version of Sex in the City so they can too.  I wish I had done it sooner.  And I'm grateful to the people around me that gave me ideas and support to change my life a little for the winter...