Wisdom from Atlanta Housewives

I don't watch television.  At least I don't at home.  When I am elsewhere, I'm like a 2 year old in front of flashing lights...I can't turn away.  So, I'm at the spa last Sunday, relaxing and they had Atlanta Housewives review show on tv, which is basically where the cast of the show watches the highlights of their videotaped reality from the past couple of months and talk about each other.  Apparently, there was a new girl that just joined recently and she was tearfully telling them that she didn't know they were so ruthless and unsupportive as people. One of the main women bluntly told her, "Have you watched the show?  You don't come on here looking for support!"  I literally laughed out loud.

That being said, I've actually had boyfriend issues even though it is well past Winter and quite Spring.  This is my latest and greatest - he's a True Blue boy and we officially hit 6 months on April 11.  I thought we were doing quite well until this last week and especially yesterday.

First to note, he is 11 years my junior.  I'm not officially cougaring because I'm actually working on a relationship, but he is young enough to note.  He is 31 and a full blown man of that age with a laundry list of things he must accomplish in the next 5 years to be able to hold his head high in the world.  He can do it.  He IS doing it.  But if anyone remembers their early 30's, we all had a list the size of a dictionary of things we had to do to feel worthwhile, to feel like we'd be leaving our mark on the world.  And in the end, you accomplished maybe 3 or 4 of the things on that list.  They always turned out to be the most important and when you hit 35 or 39, you started laughing at all the things you wrote on the list. So, True Blue is there, at the beginning of that stage and feels he is not accomplishing fast enough for himself. And, being a real man, for me either.

I want to help. I want to be supportive and tell him I can help accomplish some of the stuff on his list for him. I want to give him good advice about how most of it doesn't matter anyway and that I think he's awesome for being so dedicated and focused.  I want to be his sounding board and BFF and counselor all at the same time.  But he is a proud Black man and if I am to be his woman, I cannot do any of those things verbally.  If he was a girl, we'd sit down and make a list and cry and check in every week to whine about what didn't work and laugh and celebrate what did work and get excited about the next thing on the list.  I am brazenly aware though, that he is not a girl.  

I tried to give him advice Friday night (with the help of my first glass of wine in 4 months - which did NOT help).  By Saturday, he revealed a little of his insecurities and by Sunday he was not really talking to me.  He wasn't being mean and as one of my long time friends always says to me, it was "not about me".  By Monday, there was a distinct lack of communication and today we're as social as bus-mates. My best girlfriend's advice is to leave him alone and let him work it out.  The old (younger) Audra is screaming inside that we need to get our cape and fly to the rescue.  But this newer (older) version of Audra is sitting back and crossing her legs to wait it out.  This is a first for me and I'm uncomfortable and afraid I may do/say the wrong thing.  Everything I read and hear says that this is the correct way to be supportive in this situation but it's a lot like performing spinal surgery - one wrong move and you can lose the person indefinitely.

So I'm practicing patience every hour - I would say every day but I'm not the type of person that can make that kind of personal commitment.  I've put my phone down 6 times in the last 2 hours to stop myself from trying to get him to talk about it.  I've stopped myself from reading into every line he's texted from the last 2 months on my phone. I've tried to be normal during the short and polite conversation we've had today - not being too casual but not trying to draw him out.  This is exhausting and it's only been 2 days.

Well, we'll see how I do - although if you've taken anything away from this blog, you know I'm a sprinter when it comes to relationships, not a marathon runner.  I have my fingers crossed for myself.  Can you do that?

Side Note: Update on me...

I am taking this moment to share something about me (aside from the boys - or lack thereof lately - yes, I know!)

I mentioned in my last post that I was in physical therapy for a busted hip. That has turned out not to be true.  What is true is that I'm now seeing an Orthopedic doctor for 3 herniated discs and learning to live with constant pain.

First, I refuse to believe I'm old enough to have to deal with such issues but slowly I'm coming to the realization that that is not true.  I have led a pretty whirlwind life (they say this problem may have been caused by my topple from a 10 foot wall during the Warrior Dash two years ago) and it's not like I don't have vivid memories of doing things that were exciting and thoroughly enjoyable. It's the fact that I have to slow down so immediately, deal with conundrums such as how much pain can I endure if I go to the supermarket or if I can make it back from the laundry.  I walk with a crutch because I refuse to get a cane to support myself.  They say my discs may be reabsorbed and not cause me trouble in 6 months or so.  They also say the complete opposite can happen and I end up needing surgery to stop the constant aching down my leg and bring back the feeling in my foot.

I have gone through some intense feelings in the month that this has been my real challenge.  I've been feeling rather alone in my journey and forgot that I have a blog for just this kind of thing.  A place I can get my points out and make myself heard.  I've had to rearrange my life tremendously and depend on family and new friends to get things done.

I was feeling extra sorry for myself today when a friend's, who is extremely positive (almost to an unrealistic degree), comment popped into my head.  I was feeling sorry for myself when I had so much going for myself.  I was not dead.  I was not in so much pain anymore that I couldn't sleep, or eat, or barely breathe.  I was not crying in pain to go to sleep at night.  I have family that is relentless in bringing me dinner, walking my dogs, even doing my laundry and cleaning my house.  I have a boyfriend who has taken the role of my warrior with making sure I'm safe, secure, and without need at all times.  I have pets that although they show out a bit at the change in their schedule, are still being good pets.  I have a belief that someday I really won't have to deal with this injury - it won't even cross my mind.  I have to focus on these things as I wake up each day and groan to get up.  There are people way worse off and they are happy they're alive.

It may take awhile to permanently change my attitude and the readjustments are painful as is dealing with an issue that won't take a break.  I'm working on it, though.  I'm working on it...